It could Happen to your tween #stopbullying

For my friends with middle school age kids, don't think that bullying isn't happening. My daughter sent this e-mail to her principal today after school:

"Hey Mr. Buck It's Hannah Tuller, ..... (removed name) is spreading rumors saying that i'm a lesbian, But i'm not. And It's really hurting my feelings, and if you talk to him, he's going to deny it. Like most kids do when they don't tell the truth. And no matter what he says,
I'm not lying. I'll be totally okay with talking with you during or after school about this. He also said that if I told the teacher this that he was just going to tell more people. So this is really making me upset. So please can we deal with this tomorrow?

RMS G Team
Hannah Tuller

The principal responded back to her in less than an hour! She wrote it on her own, without Patrick or I telling her what to do. I am very proud of her. We need to #stopbullying.

Hannah is a free spirit: she doesn't care if her hair isn't perfect, or if she wears the latest fashion, she doesn't own a cell phone or wear make-up, she doesn't want a boyfriend, and sometimes she forgets to shave her legs. She is twelve! Her choices are her choices! What she does have is: a strong spirit, a fierce loyalty, a kind heart, empathy, a great sense of humor; a love of her family, comic books and The Beatles. I want to go up to school tomorrow morning and talk to the principal. But after talking to some wise people and praying about this I am going to let Hannah handle this and take one more step towards adulthood. she knows I am here if she needs me, but she took the initiative and I trust her to see this through. I will tell her to call me if she needs me, but more and more these days she doesn't need me. This parenting thing is hard but I wouldn't trade it for anything. Last year she had a friend that was being bullied and called names and Hannah went to the principal. She told me that even if ....(friend's name) was gay, he was still her friend and didn't deserve to be bullied over his choice. Tonight she told me that she might not be a lesbian, but what if the next person he bullied was, what would happen then? See there's that kind heart at work. Love that kid.

When God Moves Your Tent

Ever time I make a major decision in my life I pray about it. God seems to always know what I need and when I need it.  Last June, after a few months away, I went back to Ashley Furniture. My dad had left me some money when he died and we knew it was time to buy a house. I started with the company in January 2012 and there was a buy out in December 2013. At that time the company became DSG and many things changed, both good and bad. I learned a lot from the training videos and from some amazing managers. I became a trainer in September of 2014 and worked at every Ashley store in the St. Louis metro area between then and now. After leaving for a few months after my dad died in early 2015, when I came back it seemed things were different. When dad died many things changed, especially me. I still loved selling furniture, but felt like something was missing. The company moved my son-in-law to my store as my manager and I knew it wouldn't be long and there would be a move again. It would have been easy to go back to the store I started at, but due to some HR issues with someone I worked with there it wasn't an option. I chose to go to the Shiloh store because I knew the manager was great and I knew a couple of people there. I had no idea how much I would like the people in that store, how welcome they would make me feel and that I would miss them.

Back in January, I received a message on my LinkedIn profile asking if I would be interested in pursuing a position with Heritage Home Group. I had no idea who Heritage Home Group was or why they would be contacting me. I was interested in leaving Ashley, everything there was status quo. But when they moved my son-in-law to the store things began to change. He is one of the best managers I have ever worked for and it was so fun to have him there I found myself selling better than I had in months and feeling encouraged and supported. There were some in the store that thought I was getting special treatment, I knew in my heart I couldn't stay there and it really made me sad. There were several people in the store that were making it very difficult for me and it was time to go. Shiloh welcomed me with open arms and it was great. I looked forward to going to work, but the drive was consuming so much time and I have a twelve year old who needed me to be more present in her life. I started thinking maybe I need to look for another job.

I had forgotten about the LinkedIn message. Next thing I knew I had received an e-mail and then a phone call from the HR person from the Heritage Home Group. It turns out that HHG owns Thomasville Furniture and I then received an email from the St. Louis manager asking if I wanted to come in for an interview. Wow! I was in shock, the timing could only be coming from God. I went to the interview in Mid March (it was four hours long). I realized when I went to the interview that she hadn't even seen my resume yet, so I took it with me. After the interview was over the manager asked me if I wanted to design a room. I was nervous and excited at the same time. She took me up to the design center and just let me do my own thing.

The design center was beautiful, there were so many colors, patterns, different wood finishes on samples and there was a wall of rug samples. There were tables to work on and books to use with magnetic furniture to lay out the room. It was almost overwhelming, almost. :) I put together a room using her specifications and she loved it. She told me the district manager would be calling me for a phone interview which she did in a few days. We talked for over an hour and I had such a peace that this was the right spot for me. I received my offer letter and was beyond excited. I think I still hoped that deep down Ashley would not want to let me go. When I told my manager that I was giving my two weeks he told me the district manager would reach out to me and not to sign the offer letter, well guess what, that never happened. So I signed the offer letter and waited with anticipation for my first day. The head of HR sent me an email and said she wasn't sure how it had happened but I had been hired without filling out an application and I needed to fill one out so it could go in my file. I laughed and thought isn't that the way God works when He moves your tent. He orders your steps and directs your paths.

Tomorrow I am entering uncharted territory. I am going from "We don't change fabrics, frames or finishes..." to "What fabric, frame or finish would you like?" How exciting is that?

Hope, it's just so simple!

Today is Easter! Christ the Lord is risen today!
Worship was awesome and my pastor preached a message on hope.
It really hit me today that I have been pushing through this last decade of my life,
Stuffing all kinds of  stuff down,
Deep down, and just leaving it there.
On some occasions it pushes to the surface,
There is an explosion and I hurt people, people I love
Then I stuff it again.
Even deeper then it was before.
I was living in hopelessness, I had lost hope.

It's Complicated

So my dad died. I now no longer have a father or mother on this earth and that makes me feel sad. I understand that everyone has to die, it's part of life, but it still hurts. Today is February 24 and my dad died one month ago. Everything has changed, Ive always been a daddy's girl and now my daddy is gone. I was gone for a month, spending the last few weeks I would have with my dad. Somedays we would just sit and watch the food network, other days we would talk about heaven and somedays we would just sit.  They were hard days, but they were good days. Now that I am home I don't feel like I fit anywhere, I quit my job because there were really wrong things going on and I could not work for that company anymore, I'm not sure where I fit as Hannahs mom and I certainly am struggling to be a wife right now. It has been a daily struggle to tell myself that things are going to get better. It's complicated.

Grief is complicated, everyone will tell you there are five stages to grief: Denial, Anger, Depression, Bargaining and Acceptance but everyone doesn't see life the same so how can you compartmentalize grief? I lost a baby once who hadn't been born yet, I have friends who have lost babies after they were born, I can't even begin to understand that kind of grief. I have not lost a spouse but I have friends who have and I pray for them because there are no words. I have lost both of my parents, my mother to cancer and my father to heart disease. I know that kind of pain, some nights it feels like my heart will just break. I have survived cancer and am living with high blood pressure, two things that I guess I genetically inherited from my parents. It's scary, looking at your own immortality. Some nights I wake up in a cold sweat thinking I'm going to die if I close my eyes. This is my life right now, it's complicated.

Where does faith fit in, it must fit somewhere. I believe in heaven and I believe that one day I will see my parents again. This is what I tell my eleven year old who has lost two grandparents in a fifteen month time span. We have had many discussions on death. "Mom, why can't everyone just live here with us forever, why do people have to die?" "Mom, I don't think it's fair that I didn't get very many years with grandma and grampy, why do my other friends have their grandparents and I don't have mine?" " Mom, why did grammy die before I could ever meet her? Do you think she knows I am here at all?" these are some examples of at we've talked about. Of course I tell her that Jesus had to die so we could live forever with our families because that's the deal, death for life, right? It should make it easier but some days nothing helps. It's complicated.

Some days I just wish I could shut off my emotions, just not feel anything, no anger, sadness, loneliness etc but then I realize I wouldn't feel happiness, love ,joy as well. Today has been a day filled with crying and outbursts and I am emotionally exhausted. Unfortunately my husband has taken the brunt of those negative emotions today and I am sorry. I'm sure some days he feels like my own private human pin cushion. I know when we got married we said for better or worse, but I'm telling you I am sick of the worse and just want to know when things are going to get better. This is the part where my faith should kick in, but it doesnt seem to be doing that. I feel lost. I know in my heart that God is holding me and that He loves me, I just ont feel it right now. It's complicated!

Black Friday blessings

Wow! What a long day but I was with a great lady who is always an encouragement and challenges me to be the best I can be. I missed my Flotown team and I was not looking forward to working from midnight until 9 the next day. I drove over to Edwardsville last night and the doors opened at midnight. We had a search light out front and a line of people waiting for a $99 sofa. It was crazy town for about an hour. My first guest came for the sofa and left with a new mattress, bed and sectional and a free tablet!  Boom, great sale first one of the night. Then it got quiet. I rested in a recliner in back for a couple of hours and about 6:30 it started hoping again.

I actually had fun and met some great people. I met an 80 year old man that needed a good basic mattress- hadn't bought a new one in years, an expectant mom I found her the cutest glider recliner for the nursery and a new sectional for the living room, a mom and daughter( found a living room for the mom and a bedroom for the granddaughter) , a couple who hadn't bought a new mattress in years that got a power base to help with back pain and circulation after experiencing the dream experience. Another young  couple that needed just the right size dining room and we found it for them, just the right one! 

It was a long day, but a rewarding one and I go to sleep with lower blood pressure helping to make Christmas dreams come true today! That's a really good feeling. The End

Are you kidding me? Hypertension was not in my plans!

I haven't blogged much lately. So much has happened. I left my store in South County and moved  to the store in Florissant the end of September.  I took a new position as SME trainer and it was better to go to a new store.The last two months have been rewarding and challenging. It was hard to start over again and I was frustrated with my lack of sales but the team at Florissant was encouraging and welcoming and made me feel at home. They bought me ice cream cupcakes and gave me a cute card for my birthday. I dressed up like the Cat in The Hat for a crazy midnight madness sale and like Pinky from Grease. We had fun that day for sure! I looked forward to going to work and my sales were getting stronger and stronger. Dave, my manager, never gave up on me even when I wanted to quit. Over the past two months I have trained in three different stores and assisted with a training for new manager hires. I LOVE Training and Teaching! It is so exciting to see a sales professional leave a training scrimmage and have a great sale because they are using what they have been taught. It makes my heart happy to see others succeed.

As most of my friends know, I'm a survivor.This summer I had a scare, but God brought me through again. The last two weeks I have worked several days in Edwardsville doing training for DSG, the company I work for now. Yesterday I went to the Walgreens Clinic after work because I had an awful cough and thought I might have strep. Turned out what I had was far more serious. My blood pressure reading was off the charts and they said I had to go to the ER immediately because it was at stroke level. There was no way I was going to the ER, no insurance until January. I walked out of the clinic, got in my car  and cried.  Why was this happening to me, why now, c'mon God give me a break. 

I called my friend Donna and told her what was happening and that I was coming over to her house. I just love that lady. She had me take my blood pressure again and we went and got some dinner together and then she prayed for me. I just had to make it through the night and get to the doctors on Friday. I called my manager Dave and told him what was going on as well.  I didn't sleep very well due to the coughing and thinking I was going to die. I did make it to the doctors and was told my blood pressure was dangerously high and I would be resting for a week. He also told me that I had severe sinusitis and that he would be prescribing medication for both.  So now I rest, pray and spend some time with my family. I would appreciate your prayers as well. Love you all.

Riots, Running and Restoration.

Everyday I go to work I look for an opportunity to bless my guests. It's in my companies mission statement and its one of the main reasons I am still working at Ashley. Tonight around five I was sitting on desk one (that is the desk we sit at right before we greet a guest) and Shawna said to me these people haven't been helped and I left desk one to help them. Little did I realize it was time for some blessing! I introduced myself and began engaging my guest in conversation, sharing the mission statement and the great financing we had to offer.  Through engaging my guest I discovered they were a mother and daughter and were moving soon and needed some new furniture.

As we continued to talk she revealed to me her needs and what she came in to the store to buy. I asked her what area of St. Louis she lived in and she told me Ferguson, my heart skipped a beat. She went on to tell me that she lived right where the young man was shot. Right in the middle of everything. She had tears in her eyes as she told me stories of children being maced, by police, tear gas being used and what it felt light to live in a war zone in America. She said there has always been problems between the police and the residents and this incident just lit the flame. She said she feared for her safety so she was leaving everything and starting over in a new place. I couldn't t believe that I was going to be able to help someone put their life back together. LIFE MOMENTS MATTER, this is so true. We were back in the mattress department and she and her daughter were laying on a mattress and it was a special moment because I could see that they just needed some time to just be still. So I walked away and gave them their moment. When I came back they had found their mattress. :)

She didn't want to go through any of our finance companies, she had heard of Acceptance Now and wanted to go through that company. She wanted to build back her credit and had heard that Acceptance Now would report her on time payments.She wanted to make a better life for herself and for her daughter. She shared how she works for a hotel and the General Manager is letting her stay there so she can feel safe. She said the news is just showing part of the story. She never believed anything like this could happen in her neighborhood. And she had tears in her eyes. I had to give her some big discounts to make this happen for her and I didn't even care if I made commission on this sale, I just wanted to help her start again. We found a sofa, table set, mattress and chest and the entire process from start to finish was a little over three ours.  I felt so good when I was walking her to the door. I felt like what I had done today mattered, that I mattered and I felt assurance that I was right where I was supposed to be. Looking forward to more Ashley Anecdotes and feeling blessed tonight to be a blessing.

Let's Be Real

On July 1st I had a mammogram. I am going to be honest and tell everyone that I hadn't had a follow up mammogram since my breast cancer in 2007. It was so much easier to just ignore it and say I was cancer free, after all God had healed me in 2007 so there was no way it was going to come back! I walked in two walks and even went to a survivor dinner last year at Rams Park. I wore my pink bracelet and that was that. I was just going to continue to ignore it and then the mammogram van came to me. No more ignoring it!

The last five weeks have tested my faith, patience and who God is to me. I talk about faith, I blog about faith, I sing about faith but do I truly walk in faith. Do I believe God is who He says He is or don't I? Do I believe He healed me in 2007 and that is my testimony in spite of what tests I am taking now or don't I? Looking at my life over the past couple of years it is so evident that God is at work. My job at Ashley has led me on a path I could never have imagined and the only reason I am there is because I was obedient to what God called me to do at the time. I didn't understand it, but I did it.

Sitting here waiting for my results to come back from my biopsy I realize I may not have as much faith as I thought I did, but I do have at least a mustard seed amount of faith and if that is all I have right now, then it is enough! I am going to believe that this will all be okay and that I will take better care of myself because of this. I do believe that God healed me in 2007 and my healing continues today! I also believe I am blessed with a wonderful husband, amazing children, a few really good friends, and a great job and church. I don't think I am lacking in any of those areas. I will have. Testimony from this experience and I will believe that God is my healer!

Into the Darkness

This afternoon I went to the new Start Trek movie with my hubby. I have to admit that I was not looking forward to going. I was going because I knew he wanted to see it and with everything that has been going on in our lives lately I wanted him to have a few hours doing something he likes. But, who knew, I really liked the movie and it gave me some things to think about. The movie was full of action and suspense, but there was an underlying theme of friendship that really hit me hard. There were a couple of times during the movie that I cried. I left the movie thinking about my friendships and how they affect who I am.

This summer has not been what I expected. We had an event in our family that changed the course of our summer. Something I didn't see coming. Over ten years ago I lost my mother, this event shook me to my core. I am a woman of faith, but loosing my mom tested every bit of faith I had. My husband is my best friend and I couldn't have walked through that time without him. I also had some good friends that loved me, prayed for me and cried with me during that time. A few weeks ago we got the news that my husband's mother has cancer and has very little time left.

BOOM!!!!!!!!!  Here we go again.

I have a great friend Donna who asked me if I wanted to get Muny season tickets with her this year. When I agreed to this I had no idea how much I would need that night, once a week this summer. A night to escape to another place and time. So many memories growing up involving the Muny. I grew up in Springfield, Il and we would pick a show and drive to the Muny once each summer while I was young. We would watch some of my favorite musicals and after eating Ted Drewes custard we would fall asleep in the back seat on the drive back home.I love my friend Donna, she has walked through the last ten years with me as we have both struggled with life and circumstances.

I also have a friend Kass, we met over sixteen years in the book business. I love this woman. She recently moved to Texas and I miss her like crazy. As fate would have it we have two daughters that miss each other too. I need to let Hannah FaceTime more with Eli because she misses her. Kass is the friend who saw me when I was a mess after my divorce and loved me anyway. She helped me gain back confidence in who I was as a woman and what I could do.

My third friend is Rhonda, I met her over five years ago when I taught her daughter. Rhonda is a survivor. She has survived two kinds of cancer and other life events as well. I love my lunches with Rhonda! Whenever we get the chance (which hasn't been near enough lately) we get together and chat about our lives and our kids and eat good food and just enjoy each others company. She is a
good thing that came out of a bad time.

Then there is my friend Ann. We met over three years ago and share the fact that our two kids kind of like each other. We have had great dinners out and shared many glasses of wine together. We have road-tripped to soccer games together. We don't see each other as much as I would like because of our schedules but when we do, we always have a good time. I know I can call her and ask her to pray for me and she will. In fact, everyone of my friends I talked about here are women of faith and that 
blesses me.

So as I walk into the darkness, I am thankful I have theses women by my side to help light the way.
And as my friend reminded me, I do know the Light in the darkness. My friends help me see His light everyday.

Things that make you go hmm

Okay, here comes another random blog. I apologize for not writing for awhile. Although I am not so sure anyone reads these. So I guess I am writing for myself as much as for anyone else. Ever since I have been at Ashley Furniture each month I have a goal. It always helps when I have a goal, especially because I am a huge procrastinator. This month my goal was to break $50,000.00 in sales and be number one in bedding and I met my goal. Woo hoo! It feels good to accomplish what you set out to do and see that you can do it. Why can't I do this in other areas of my life? What is stopping me? Oh well, I guess that makes me a work in progress.

This month I found out that I will have a granddaughter in April. I have known for a few months that I would be a grammy, but now I have a name and a picture of Blakeleigh. This has made me stop and think what kind of legacy do I want to leave my granddaughter. I only hope and pray I can be half the Grammy to her that my mom was to my kids. I really miss my son and his family to be. I am so happy he married the love of his life but incredibly sad some days that they have to live so far away. But, God had a plan already in place and now one of my best friends has moved to Texas and is only about three hours from my son. Is this a coincidence? I think not! It is a thing that makes you go hmmm.

Even though I don't understand His plan at all times I know He has a plan for me. One of my good friends is going through a trial in her life right now. Her husband had double bi-pass surgery yesterday. I feel like I wish I could do something for her. I took her dinner on Saturday night and have been praying for her husband and her family. I wish I could do more. But today it hit me. I am doing more, I am asking the God of the Universe to intervene and to heal her husband, to give her family and her peace and to take care of all of her needs. Why did I ever think that prayer wasn't doing something. Another thing that makes you go hmmm.

So my friend I challenge you to look for the things that make you go hmm. We serve a big God and he cares about our lives. I know he has a plan for me and for that I am thankful.

Nostalgia and Knicknacks

 Today is a hard day for me. The home that I grew up in, brought my son home from the hospital to and the last place I saw my mom alive at is now gone. My dad signed the papers today and that is that. Over, finito, the end. Over the last two weeks I have been packing, sorting, pitching and selling most of the things from that house.But the one thing that I have and will always have is the memories. Memories of Sunday dinners with family and friends, memories of haunted houses in the basement, New Years open houses, birthday celebrations and times with family grieving loved ones. Many, many memories that are just flooding my spirit today.

  Last night I played the piano! I have my piano in my home that my dad bought me for my 12th birthday in 1975. It is a beautiful maple Ballwin Acrosonic piano and I can now teach my daughters' to play. Sitting on the bench, playing last night I realized I missed that part of me for the last several years. I am so happy I decided to keep it. Good decision me! Even my daughter's puppy likes hearing the piano. I also kept my grandmothers china and the picture that hung over the piano. I made boxes for all three of my kids and spent time with one of my best friends who I had been missing in my life.

  It was the hardest week and also a good week. I realized I had not been honoring my husband and giving him the value and respect he deserved but watching him work and seeing what he was capable of made me appreciate him so much more. I really married an amazing man who has seen me through some rough times. I also realized I was pretty mad at God.  I couldn't believe that here I was six years after doing the same thing with my mom's house doing it all over again with my dad's house. I thought the timing was horrible and I just didn't understand. But as He always does, He taught me that His timing is perfect and He restored my respect and love for my husband.

 I have so many stories I wish I could share but I am going to end this here with a thought. Sometimes we put to much value on things and forget the value of the people we love. I learned this lesson again this week as I had to decide what knicknacks to keep and what to sell. I realized I was grateful that I didn't have to do that with my family and friends. That I needed to value each and every one for who they are. The only thing that gives us any reason to be nostalgic isn't the knicknackss but the memories we make.The one thing I know I will keep is the memories I have from that house and all of my friends and family who have gone through those doors. And every time I think of 1322 West Glenn  those memories will be with me always.

A stormy night~A thankful heart

I can't sleep. I have so many things to be thankful for but I can't sleep. I have been lying in bed listening to the storm and thanking God for the rain. This got me thinking about being grateful, truly grateful, and thanking God through all of my storms so here I am getting ready to do just that. So I guess I start with thanking Him for my divorce which was my first major storm. I have learned so much since then and still have so much to learn. Next major storm was my g'ma and then my mom dying less than a month a part. Thank you God for that storm and the people you placed in my life to help me through it. After that I lost my job and I am able to thank God for that and see that He was always in control. Next came my cancer diagnosis and I have to thank Him for that wake up call and how it changed the way I look at life. My next storm was another job loss, but this one cut deep. I not only lost my job, my daughter's lost their school. I was so angry at God. I wanted to know why it happened when I was so faithfully praying for it not to happen. Well guess what? It isn't about what I wanted to happen, it is about what God knew was best for me. I took another position at another Christian school with much hesitation and it seemed like I was right because yep, you guessed it, that school closed too and again my oldest daughter was without a school and her faith had taken a beating. I wasn't sure either one of us would ever be okay again.But a new school rose from the ashes and I was offered a teaching position there and it was going to be great and my daughter would have her senior year. Well August of last year I was told there were not enough kids to hire me and that Gretchen could attend but I would not be working there. I was finished after that storm, no more teaching and no more God as far I was concerned. I was going to sit down and throw myself the biggest pity party ever and never work again. That lasted about four months.

Just when YOU think you have it all figured out, God mixes things up. I had reconnected with an old junior high friend on facebook and through some circumstances that had to have been God ordered I started working again in January. I wasn't working as a teacher, I was selling furniture. I couldn't believe it, first that I actually got the job and second that I liked it. My mom was a teacher and my dad was a salesman so I guess you could say it was time to embrace the dad side of me. lol Once again I found myself thinking I should thank God for this and once again I didn't. Part of what kept me sane while I was going through the last two years was a prayer group I am in at my church. We only meet once a month, but I know the support, encouragement and dare I say it PRAYER I get from being part of that group has helped me on numerous occasions. I am getting ready to enter another storm and I think this is why I can't sleep. When I was on the way to my son's wedding my dad and my brother listed my dad's house for sale. I didn't know he was going to do it and I wasn't prepared for what would happen next. The house sold in two days and I have until the end of this month to clear it out. So many memories in that house, this is going to be a rough storm. But I am going to thank God now for the people who will help me get through this one. I have resolved that my life is going to be full of storms but I am so thankful that He teaches me through all of them.

I need to remember that God is sovereign and that everything will be okay.

Flower Fairies and Faith

Today my daughter and her boyfriend drove to Springfield Illinois. The purpose of their trip was to pack up some things Gretchen wanted from my childhood home. This is the house that I came home from the hospital to and this is the house that was sold this week. The house of my childhood and all of my childhood memories. This is the house that I brought my son home from the hospital to and the house where I last heard my moms laughter. So many memories in that house.

I remember playing the piano for mom that Monday after Easter over ten years ago. I remember her sitting in the comfy chair and Patrick playing the guitar for her. That was the last time I would hear my mom laugh. Every time I walk in the door to that house I remember the life that was lived there and now in a month I won't walk through that door again.

We have a month to get everything out that we want and to make it ready for the the new buyers. On month to pack up a lifetime of memories. One of the things Gretchen brought back today was a Flower Fairy plate. When I looked at the plate I couldn't believe it. The little fairy looked like Hannah before she had her hair cut this summer for locks of love. I have no idea when my mom bought this plate or why but I am so glad she did. I wonder if she knew my family wasn't finished, I would like to think she did know. She knew she was getting a granddaughter that she had prayed for when my brother told her they were expecting a baby in September and I know she wanted to live to see that baby but God had other plans.

So you are probably wondering where the faith part of this blog comes from. Well, it is all I am holding onto right now. I have faith that God is going to work everything out so that this is a smooth move and that I will find all the things I hold dear and bring them home to my house. I have faith that even though this wasn't what I wanted to be doing this month, God knew it was what I would be doing. I have faith that Gretchen finding that plate tucked away in a drawer was no accident.I have faith that I will see my mom again one day and that I honor her memory by keeping things that are precious to me because they were precious to her.

So dear friends please pray for me as I pack up my childhood home. This will be an emotional time for me but one filled with new discoveries and special finds like the plate pictured above. Pray I can finish the race in the time I have allotted to me. Pray for my children as this is an emotional time for them as well. Gretchen said it was hard packing up boxes today but she is thankful for the memories. Flower Fairies and Faith, she knew I know she did. :)

The Wedding Day July 20, 2012

We all slept in today. Hannah slept until 10:30 and she is normally our little alarm clock. So we missed breakfast at the hotel. Right down the street from the hotel was a Cinnabon and I knew that was what we needed to start off my son's wedding day. After a yummy cinnamon roll it was time to wait. We really didn't have anything planned for the day so we just hung out in the hotel room.

I decided to surprise Stephen and I booked him a suite for the night complete with a whirlpool tub and champagne. I was happy to be able to do this for him as an extra wedding gift. Gretchen and Aaron spent the day with a marathon of netflix watching while we waited and Hannah watched television and colored pictures. Patrick read and listened to music and I was an emotional wreck. We had a family meltdown about two hours before we were ready to leave but we managed to work through it. There were circumstances out of my control happening outside of Texas that were affecting my family and causing me some heart ache and so I prayed and asked for prayer.

We all got gussied up and we didn't look half bad if I say so myself. Gretchen looked beautiful and Hannah looked so sweet in her flower girl dress. It was hard for me not to cry and we weren't even there yet. We all decided we were hungry so we went to Taco Bueno and had a small snack before heading to the ceremony. When we got to the chapel on the ranch the wind started blowing and the clouds began to move in and it looked like a storm was coming.

One of my best friends since college drove from Chicago to be there and it was good seeing her. We both prayed the rain would hold off until the reception. I was able to pray with Stephen before the ceremony and that meant the world to me. Since the wedding was on a ranch one of the neat things was that Meagan and her folks rode in a horse drawn carriage and everyone was able to see them as they passed by the big picture window in the chapel. She looked so beautiful that she took my breath away and I prayed that when Stephen saw her that he wouldn't pass out. lol

The first part of the service was when the mothers lit the candles for the unity candle and I walked down the aisle with Meagan's mom. This was a special time for me and I am so glad they included it in their ceremony. After we lit the candles I took a seat with Patrick and we watched as the wedding party entered the chapel. As Meagan came in I watched Stephen's face and I have never seen him both so terrified and happy in his life. It was a beautiful ceremony and I only cried at the end when they kissed.

After the wedding we took pictures and then headed over to the reception. Meagan and her mom and a few others had made all of the food and it looked very professional. The decorations at the reception were beautiful and Meagan and Stephen arrived on a horse drawn carriage. It was all like out of a storybook. The best man made his toast and the matron of honor made her toast and then the cake was cut. Stephen and Meagan's dance was cute and Meagan danced with her dad. We decided to skip the mother son dance because I would have been a crying momma if we had done it.

The groomsmen all went outside to smoke a pipe in celebration of the nuptials. Meanwhile inside the reception Hannah had discovered the camera and was taking pictures of everything and everyone. It was pretty funny. She was like an eight year old paparazzi. lol It started getting late and we had a long drive on Saturday so I hugged my new daughter bye and kissed my son on the cheek and we left. It was a perfect wedding and I was so happy for him. Now back to the hotel to sleep.

Wedding Memories Day 2

This morning woke up and had breakfast with Meagan and Stephen at the hotel. Then it was off to Dinosaur World with Hannah. Patrick, Gretchen and Aaron stayed back and slept in because they hadn't slept well the night before. (I think they just didn't want to be out in the heat) lol

We arrived at Dinosaur World and Hannah was very excited when she saw the life size T-Rex at the entrance. After I bought out tickets we toured the museum which had several interesting fossil pieces on display. There were three replica dinosaur skeletons inside the museum that were huge. After we toured the museum Hannah dug for her own fossils at the fossil dig and she was allowed to keep 3 of her favorite. Next it was time to see all of the dinosaurs.

Walking through the park we encountered many life size dinosaurs. I took some pictures on my phone and Hannah had a blast. It. was. hot. I think it was so hot that our eyelids were sweating. lol One of the most life like scenes was a family of long necks surrounding a small lake. We stood on the dock and fed the poi fish and it looked like the family of dinosaurs was coming for a drink. About this time Hannah was saying I am hot please lets get to the end, only not so nice it was more like "I want to leave now, let's just go please lets leave I have seen enough I am hot." So we headed back to the main entrance and the gift shop. Those of you with kids know what the next few minutes were like. "Can I have it, please let me have it, I need this dinosaur egg and this stuffed dinosaur, please mom." We settled on a keepsake box where she could put her fossils from the dig and a couple of postcards, she also got a souvenir penny with dinosaur world on it.

Back at the hotel I took a little nap due to being in the heat and Patrick took Hannah to the pool. Gretchen and Aaron went off for a bit to explore, have lunch and buy tickets to "The Dark Knight Rises" compliments of me. :) There was a little theater in Granbury Texas and the tickets were only $7 each which is super cheap. They were planning on going to the midnight showing after the rehearsal dinner.

We all got ready for the rehearsal dinner and headed out. When we got to the venue it was still very hot. The restaurant put us in a courtyard outside and I was really worried that it wouldn't work. It looked great with the lights and the tables and the waterfall so I was hoping for the best. Sure enough as the sun went down we were able to stay and have a great dinner. Everyone seemed to have a good time and the food was awesome. I was very pleased. The most important thing was for Stephen and Meagan to have fun and I know they did. Brandon, the best man made a toast and so did Meagan's dad Clyde. I bought a book and passed it around for everyone to sign and put some advice in for Meagan and Stephen. All in all it was a very good evening.

We went back to the hotel and crashed for the night. I am so thankful that Aaron and Gretchen were able to be safe as they watched the movie. I couldn't believe what I saw on the news the next morning about the shooting in Colorado. Being in a little town in Texas was not such a bad place to be. I prayed for all of the families involved in the shooting and thanked God for the safety of my family.

My son is getting married! Wait he is still ten!

Written on July 17, 2012 

Today I am on the road  to Texas. Four years ago Stephen left for Texas and I told him "If I know you son, you are going to marry a girl from Texas." Well it looks like his mom was right. The reason I am on the road is to go to my son's wedding. So many things are going through my head right now. I hope I taught him what he needs to know. I hope he knows that I love him. Even though I didn't stay married to his birth dad, I hope he knows I believe in marriage. (I have been married to his step-dad for fifteen years this year).

When I think of who Stephen is as a man it reminds me of all the people who had a part in his life. I guess I am writing this note to thank them. Two women had a big part in Stephen's life when he was little and I count them as two of my best friends. Thank you Tammy and Kass for putting up with my goofy, crazy kid. Thanks for loving him and helping him through the rough time of my separation and divorce. Thanks for still being an encouragement in his life even now. I am so thankful that you will be at the wedding Tammy and I wish you could be there Kass. I know you will be in spirit.

Thinking back to Stephen's Concord church days there were several guys who mentored him and showed him you can be cool, have fun and love Christ. Tim Hall, Jeremy Proemsey, Scott Wheeler, Tim Weber all of you guys helped Stephen grow as a young man. Thanks to your leadership and direction Stephen chose a life of faith and skipped the partying and promiscuity. I appreciate all of the retreats and times that you held him accountable and taught him truth. 

The two years that Stephen was at South Side Christian school there were teachers that poured into him and helped him to develop academically as well as spiritually. Through various retreats and activities, programs and classroom learning Stephen started to grow into the young man God was calling him to be.Thank you to Patrick Tuller, Joni Leiniger,  Teresa Starks,  Karen Hunt, Arlie Singleton, Larry Amen and can't forget Mary Yousef for leading our motley crew. lol

Then after a really rough time of loosing his great grandma and his grandma Stephen, Gretchen and I made a choice to go to Illinois and become part of Collinsville Christian Academy. This was a place that grew Stephen as an athlete, scholar and a young man of God. There Stephen found great teachers and coaches, people who cared about his physical as well as spiritual well being. Thank you to Stephen Perkins, Rich Kotras ,Nathaniel Kotras, Donna Kotras, Cindy Collier, Trudy Hotson,Wendy Klein, Donald Douglas, and Debbie Legters. You were all a huge part of his junior high and high school life. So many memories of soccer games and concerts and everything in between. 

Gretchen, what can I say. This is your big brother's wedding you are going to be in on Friday. I am sure you have a lot you want to tell him as well. I know you love your brother fiercly and that you are pleased with his choice. I know you want whats best for him and that you will always be there for him even if he is driving you crazy. Thanks for being a great sister.

My little boy is getting married. I still can't believe it. I am so thankful for the woman he has chosen to make his wife. I remember when I first saw her picture on facebook that something in me knew that she would marry my son. There story is not one out of a storybook and it is filled with hard times as well as good times. I remember telling my seventh grade class that this was the girl my son  would marry as they looked at pictures with me. Thank you Meagan for loving my son, for helping him come out of a very dark place and for believing in him. Thank you for always pushing him to be a better man. I appreciate you faith and your love. Welcome to our family darling daughter.

Wedding memories Day 1

Today I woke up rested after eight hours of sleep. Gretchen said sleeping in a room with her dad and I was like listening to a snoring symphony. I guess we were tired after our long drive. She said between us snoring and Hannah kicking she didn't sleep very well.  Our day started off with waffles shaped like the state of Texas~ yee haw   Yes, the hotel we are staying at has a waffle maker that is shaped like Texas. After breakfast we hung out in the hotel room and rested some more from our travels.

Next was the rehearsal at the Whispering Creek Ranch. As we were driving through the country to get to the ranch I noticed lots of cattle ranches along the way and a beautiful blue sky with amazing clouds. When we got to the ranch and got out of the van there were grasshoppers everywhere. This did not thrill Gretchen at all and she moved quickly into the chapel. lol The rehearsal went well and I was able to meet Meagan's mom and step-dad. The chapel was very pretty with yellow flowers decorating the pews and a beautiful picture window overlooking the prairie.The bridal party seemed to get along well and that is always a good thing.

We were all getting pretty hungry and decided on lunch at Schlotzkys. :) I have to say this is one of my favorite places to eat and I wish we had one in St. Louis. A trip to Walmart for some art supplies, a huge beach ball and some snacks and then back to the hotel for Patrick and Hannah so they could nap. My afternoon was spent with Gretchen and Aaron finding Aaron a vest and nice dress shirt. We drove in to Fort Worth and met a wonderful sales lady at Macy's who helped us out and gave us a great deal. After shopping I bought Aaron and Gretchen Chick-Fil-A and we went back to the hotel. Stephen, Meagan, Brandon and his wife Chelsea, and Brett came over and ate pizza and hung out in the hotel pool with my girls and Aaron. While the kids went swimming at the hotel, it was date night at Hoffbrau's Steak house. I had a fried green tomato BLT and it was yummo! Our waitress even sent us back to the hotel with a big order of complimentary homemade banana pudding that was like my aunt used to make at family reunions.

I find myself missing my mom a lot right now. I know she would have been proud of Stephen and would have loved to watch her grandson wed the love of his life. Maybe somehow she is watching and smiling down on all of us. Time for bed to prepare for another busy day tomorrow.

5 years and counting

It has been five years. I can't believe it. I guess it is time to tell my story. As most of my friends know I had a baby at forty. Hannah was our little miracle and I am filled with gratitude to God for giving us another daughter to love. The doctor had told Patrick and I after my miscarriage that we couldn't have any more children. So was I ever surprised to find out I was pregnant. The next three years went by quickly and before I knew it I was forty three years old and had a three year old daughter and a thirteen year old daughter and an seventeen year old son and I had never had a mammogram. Since I was nursing my doctor said to wait a few years before having one. My mom died from breast cancer in 2002 but I never thought I needed to worry about myself. I was wrong.

So here is my story. It was May of 2007 and I was shopping at Schnucks and saw that the Barnes Mammography Van would be in the parking lot of that store in a couple of weeks. I know now that I was supposed to go to that store and see that flyer. I came home and something told me to go ahead and call and schedule an appointment that day. Well, the day came and I had my first mammogram. I thought well that is over now I can get back to not thinking about that again for five more years. Again, I was wrong. I got a call from Barnes Jewish telling me there was an abnormality on my mammogram and could I come there to have another one. It was time to tell Patrick. I had never even told him I was having a mammogram in the first place. We drove to Barnes in silence, both thinking this couldn't be happening. I had my second mammogram and we waited. The call came...I needed a biopsy they had found a tumor. Okay, I told myself breath, just breath. The few days before the biopsy felt like years and we waited and prayed. Patrick did a lot of stomping around and was angry while I was quiet and reserved. We had decided not to tell the kids too much about what was going on since it had just been five years since we had lost my mom.

The day of the biopsy came and the sun was shining and I the birds were singing and it was a beautiful June day. I just knew that the test would come back with the tumor being benign and that I would wake up from the bad dream. I was scared to have the biopsy. I don't like needles, not one bit. I had an intern do it and wouldn't you know it, he messed up and it had to be done again. It wasn't intense pain but it wasn't something I wanted done twice. They left a little wire in to guide the surgeon to the spot if I would need anything further done. I thought to myself that was stupid because they aren't going to find anything. And yes, you guessed it. I was wrong for the third time.

The call came and I was told that I had Breast Cancer in situ and it was stage 0 which was a miracle in itself. The oncologist said this kind of cancer is only detected by mammogram and not a self-evaluation. I would have never found it on my own. I knew God had this under control and breathed a little. She said I would need to have a lumpectomy and they would remove the tumor and tissue around the tumor to test and see if all of the cancer was gone. We scheduled the surgery and once again God's hand was evident because one of the top oncology surgeons at Siteman had an opening and we took it.

I was supposed to go on a mission trip with my son's youth group to Michigan and Patrick wanted me to cancel, but I told him I thought it would be good for me to go. I wouldn't be thinking about what was going to happen but would be focused on something outside of my world. So I went. It was a great week with a great group of kids and adults and I found myself not even thinking about the cancer. The last night we were there a group of my son's friends prayed over me on the beach. It was such a special moment and I felt a warmth go through my entire body, I also felt something fall in the sand next to my feet and I didn't know what it could have been. When we got back to where we were staying I saw what had fallen. I wore a bracelet to remember my mom and it had a pink breast cancer ribbon charm on it. While the kids were praying for me, it fell into the sand. I couldn't believe it. I knew that I had been healed, right there on that beach in Michigan and I no longer felt the cancer in my body.

It is hard to explain but after I heard the words "cancer" it was like I had a parasite living inside of me and all I wanted was to be rid of it. I prayed for healing and also for faith to walk through this time. I yelled at God, cried and yelled some more. Some days I just walked through a fog. When I came home from the trip my husband said you look like you had a good time and he even said I looked happy. I told him about the beach and the bracelet. I am not sure he believed me, but I knew he wanted to believe.  Monday morning early I went in for my surgery.

Patrick drove me to the hospital and I was put under and when I woke up the tumor was gone. And now we wait, and wait and wait some more. My good friend Donna brought me lunch and we watched a movie together the afternoon after my surgery. We waited some more and then the call came to go into the oncologists office. I thought WAIT what is going on, I should not be going into her office she should have told me over the phone NO CANCER. This was not happening. Patrick drove me to Siteman and we went into the doctors office and sat down. She looked at me and looked at him and told us both NO CANCER. She said the biopsy indicated the tumor was malignant but when they sent it off to be tested it came back benign. She said when she removed it that it looked like cancer and when it came back that it wasn't she sent it back to be tested a second time. She said she was not sure what happened but they found no cancer in any of my tissue surrounding the tumor and that as far as she could see I was cancer free. I told her the story of the beach and she said she wasn't a believer but something must have happened on that beach. She even used the word MIRACLE which she said she never uses. I was told I didn't have to do chemo or radiation and just needed to have my check ups. I walked out of the office a different person than I had walked in an hour earlier.

That is my story, a story of God's providence and survival. Thanks for taking the time to read it. Have a blessed life.

Grants Farm and God's Grace

Today, in the intense heat, my brother and his family decided it would be a good day to go to Grant's Farm. The tram ride was not that bad,there was a breeze and some pretty interesting animals, like Asian ducks, two week old calves that were twins, and an Ostrich named Olivia (which is my nieces name). ha ha But when we got off the tram it was soooo hot. The younger girls road the carousel and fed the baby goats and got a snow cone. All of these were a big hit. But the best part of the visit was the animal show. First, it was in the shade, second there were big fans and they were working well and third the show itself was very entertaining. i don't remember seeing a parrot do a puzzle or roller skate before. After the show we went to feed the camels and Olivia said " wow it's tongue is dry and feels really weird" and we all laughed. We had our free beer and headed out to have lunch.

We tried to go to Crown's Candy Kitchen but as luck would have it, a tour bus pulled up right before we got there and no way were we going to sit out in that heat and wait for a table so we headed to Fitz's in the Loop. Well we had quite a ride through some pretty blighted city neighborhoods and looking at the homes I thanked God for providing for my family. We made it to Fitz's and the kids enjoyed some root beer and cream soda and a really yummy order of fried pickles. My daughter Hannah age 7 exclaims hey there is a pickle under here after she pulled off some of the breading which made us all laugh.

Getting home after a full day we took a break and then I took the girls to meet my brother at the hotel for some swimming, which they did and had a lot of fun. I left Hannah there and headed to prayer meeting.

Once a month at my church we get together for prayer. Tonight it was at my friend Lori's house and we had a great meeting. Praying with a small group of people is such great therapy for me. And tonight was no exception. I love entering in and just worshiping who God is! One of the ladies brought veggie sushi which was yummy and was a great way to end the evening. It was a very good day today. Long, but very good. I am thankful for family.

Inspiration from the Rolling Stones

"No, you can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
And if you try sometime you find
You get what you need"
Rolling Stones

As a Christian what does this mean to me, what is the difference between wants and needs. The Bible says that my God shall supply all of my needs, not my wants. So this made me start thinking about my needs. What is it that I really need? My most basic need is God! He is all I need, I couldn't stand, breathe, live or move without my God. There have been so many times in my life that without God I wouldn't have survived.

So I am going to choose God as my number one need. My next need would be sustenance( food and water) in order to live, I need both of these. Some days I wish this wasn't a need and I pray and ask God to feed me that day. I guess that is how I view fasting, getting rid of that need for a time so I can concentrate on my first need .I guess another basic need is shelter and this goes back to even the Son of God who needed shelter that night in Bethlehem when He was born. It wasn't much but it was what was needed.

Every time I have a need, it is met. There have been so many times in my life when my God was faithful.
Starting with the family he gave me, my needs have always been met. I was so blessed to have a Godly mother who brought me up in the fear and admonition of the Lord. I accepted Jesus as my Savior at the age of nine and knew that I would have the Holy Spirit to help me for the rest of my life. Growing up I could see God in so many ways, we never went hungry, I always had a home and clothes to wear. I had a great church and some pretty neat friends.

When I got into high school I started wondering if God was enough, was this just something I had done because of my parents or was this something I did because of me. I started questioning my faith and then I totaled my dad's Volvo two weeks after getting my license and I walked away from the accident. I hit a fire hydrant and then a tree and rolled the car on it's side. When the guy across the street saw the car(by the way he happened to be a cute football player from my high school) he came rushing over to help. I was fine a little banged up and a lot humbled. I would love to say that I found all the answers to my questions and right then and there I made a commitment that God was enough, but I can't say that.

The next year was my senior year in high school and did I mention I hated high school with a burning passion, no, well I did. I only went one semester and then I did an internship with kids from all over Illinois. I worked at the State Capital and hung out with some kids I really thought were cool. One of those kids told me one night that no one here knew me and I could be whoever I wanted to be, that I didn't have to be the good church girl anymore, I could do whatever I liked. I wish I had looked at him and said no, but just like that I thought he was right and what did I have to loose. So I stopped living for God and started living for myself. Big time wrong choice.

Over the next fifteen years I made so many mistakes because it was always about what I wanted and not what I needed. I wanted to have a boyfriend, I wanted to drink and party, I wanted to go to the school I wanted to go to, I wanted to get married because everyone else was, I wanted what I wanted when I wanted it.

I married a guy that I had dated for five years and everything pointed to this being a  a good choice. One problem, we were both selfish and didn't have God at the center of our relationship. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't all bad and we had two great kids, Stephen and Gretchen. We found a church and did all the right things and from the outside we looked happy, but we continued on our selfish path and the only thing that was going to happen was that we would crash and burn and that we did. Again thinking wants were more important.

After I was divorced I was left with a two year old and a seven year old and a mortgage and a lot of questions. I lost it for about a year after I was divorced I was thirty-three and I was going to do what I wanted. Praise God that even when we aren't looking for Him, He is still calling us. I needed a church and I found one that was just where I was supposed to be that had a pastor that was bold enough to tell me what are you doing, this isn't how you want to live, stop it, and I did!

After that I never looked back I just looked to the future. I met a great guy and we became best-friends. We have been married for thirteen years and there have been some rough times but God has always supplied our needs. When I lost my grandma, my mom, and my job in the same year; God was there and helped me through all of it. Was I angry, sure, did I have questions, sure, but you know what when you take your questions before God He will answer them. Again not what I wanted but what I needed to grow in my faith.

After that loss God gave me something I didn't think I needed but I was wrong, He gave me Hannah. He took my mom home to Glory and then gave me another daughter to love and share His love with. I thought, are you crazy God, I am "old" I am forty, I don't need a baby. But He showed me I did.

Four years ago I had to have a lumpectomy and again God was faithful and provided what I needed, it wasn't what I wanted, to go into my doctor and hear the word "Cancer" but it was what I had to go through. I have a testimony of restoration and healing that I can share because of that time.

I am now at a place in my life where I again am having to trust God to supply what I need. No more questions, no more guessing this time I know! He will provide for me. It is so great to have that assurance that no matter what, He will be there. Always!  I hope by reading this bog it blesses someone and they can see the God who has put up with me at my worst and still loved me. I know that God still has plans for my life, but I am liking where I am at right now.So when the storms come and they will, I will be ready with a God who will supply all I NEED!

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