It's Complicated

So my dad died. I now no longer have a father or mother on this earth and that makes me feel sad. I understand that everyone has to die, it's part of life, but it still hurts. Today is February 24 and my dad died one month ago. Everything has changed, Ive always been a daddy's girl and now my daddy is gone. I was gone for a month, spending the last few weeks I would have with my dad. Somedays we would just sit and watch the food network, other days we would talk about heaven and somedays we would just sit.  They were hard days, but they were good days. Now that I am home I don't feel like I fit anywhere, I quit my job because there were really wrong things going on and I could not work for that company anymore, I'm not sure where I fit as Hannahs mom and I certainly am struggling to be a wife right now. It has been a daily struggle to tell myself that things are going to get better. It's complicated.

Grief is complicated, everyone will tell you there are five stages to grief: Denial, Anger, Depression, Bargaining and Acceptance but everyone doesn't see life the same so how can you compartmentalize grief? I lost a baby once who hadn't been born yet, I have friends who have lost babies after they were born, I can't even begin to understand that kind of grief. I have not lost a spouse but I have friends who have and I pray for them because there are no words. I have lost both of my parents, my mother to cancer and my father to heart disease. I know that kind of pain, some nights it feels like my heart will just break. I have survived cancer and am living with high blood pressure, two things that I guess I genetically inherited from my parents. It's scary, looking at your own immortality. Some nights I wake up in a cold sweat thinking I'm going to die if I close my eyes. This is my life right now, it's complicated.

Where does faith fit in, it must fit somewhere. I believe in heaven and I believe that one day I will see my parents again. This is what I tell my eleven year old who has lost two grandparents in a fifteen month time span. We have had many discussions on death. "Mom, why can't everyone just live here with us forever, why do people have to die?" "Mom, I don't think it's fair that I didn't get very many years with grandma and grampy, why do my other friends have their grandparents and I don't have mine?" " Mom, why did grammy die before I could ever meet her? Do you think she knows I am here at all?" these are some examples of at we've talked about. Of course I tell her that Jesus had to die so we could live forever with our families because that's the deal, death for life, right? It should make it easier but some days nothing helps. It's complicated.

Some days I just wish I could shut off my emotions, just not feel anything, no anger, sadness, loneliness etc but then I realize I wouldn't feel happiness, love ,joy as well. Today has been a day filled with crying and outbursts and I am emotionally exhausted. Unfortunately my husband has taken the brunt of those negative emotions today and I am sorry. I'm sure some days he feels like my own private human pin cushion. I know when we got married we said for better or worse, but I'm telling you I am sick of the worse and just want to know when things are going to get better. This is the part where my faith should kick in, but it doesnt seem to be doing that. I feel lost. I know in my heart that God is holding me and that He loves me, I just ont feel it right now. It's complicated!