Things that make you go hmm

Okay, here comes another random blog. I apologize for not writing for awhile. Although I am not so sure anyone reads these. So I guess I am writing for myself as much as for anyone else. Ever since I have been at Ashley Furniture each month I have a goal. It always helps when I have a goal, especially because I am a huge procrastinator. This month my goal was to break $50,000.00 in sales and be number one in bedding and I met my goal. Woo hoo! It feels good to accomplish what you set out to do and see that you can do it. Why can't I do this in other areas of my life? What is stopping me? Oh well, I guess that makes me a work in progress.

This month I found out that I will have a granddaughter in April. I have known for a few months that I would be a grammy, but now I have a name and a picture of Blakeleigh. This has made me stop and think what kind of legacy do I want to leave my granddaughter. I only hope and pray I can be half the Grammy to her that my mom was to my kids. I really miss my son and his family to be. I am so happy he married the love of his life but incredibly sad some days that they have to live so far away. But, God had a plan already in place and now one of my best friends has moved to Texas and is only about three hours from my son. Is this a coincidence? I think not! It is a thing that makes you go hmmm.

Even though I don't understand His plan at all times I know He has a plan for me. One of my good friends is going through a trial in her life right now. Her husband had double bi-pass surgery yesterday. I feel like I wish I could do something for her. I took her dinner on Saturday night and have been praying for her husband and her family. I wish I could do more. But today it hit me. I am doing more, I am asking the God of the Universe to intervene and to heal her husband, to give her family and her peace and to take care of all of her needs. Why did I ever think that prayer wasn't doing something. Another thing that makes you go hmmm.

So my friend I challenge you to look for the things that make you go hmm. We serve a big God and he cares about our lives. I know he has a plan for me and for that I am thankful.

Nostalgia and Knicknacks

 Today is a hard day for me. The home that I grew up in, brought my son home from the hospital to and the last place I saw my mom alive at is now gone. My dad signed the papers today and that is that. Over, finito, the end. Over the last two weeks I have been packing, sorting, pitching and selling most of the things from that house.But the one thing that I have and will always have is the memories. Memories of Sunday dinners with family and friends, memories of haunted houses in the basement, New Years open houses, birthday celebrations and times with family grieving loved ones. Many, many memories that are just flooding my spirit today.

  Last night I played the piano! I have my piano in my home that my dad bought me for my 12th birthday in 1975. It is a beautiful maple Ballwin Acrosonic piano and I can now teach my daughters' to play. Sitting on the bench, playing last night I realized I missed that part of me for the last several years. I am so happy I decided to keep it. Good decision me! Even my daughter's puppy likes hearing the piano. I also kept my grandmothers china and the picture that hung over the piano. I made boxes for all three of my kids and spent time with one of my best friends who I had been missing in my life.

  It was the hardest week and also a good week. I realized I had not been honoring my husband and giving him the value and respect he deserved but watching him work and seeing what he was capable of made me appreciate him so much more. I really married an amazing man who has seen me through some rough times. I also realized I was pretty mad at God.  I couldn't believe that here I was six years after doing the same thing with my mom's house doing it all over again with my dad's house. I thought the timing was horrible and I just didn't understand. But as He always does, He taught me that His timing is perfect and He restored my respect and love for my husband.

 I have so many stories I wish I could share but I am going to end this here with a thought. Sometimes we put to much value on things and forget the value of the people we love. I learned this lesson again this week as I had to decide what knicknacks to keep and what to sell. I realized I was grateful that I didn't have to do that with my family and friends. That I needed to value each and every one for who they are. The only thing that gives us any reason to be nostalgic isn't the knicknackss but the memories we make.The one thing I know I will keep is the memories I have from that house and all of my friends and family who have gone through those doors. And every time I think of 1322 West Glenn  those memories will be with me always.

A stormy night~A thankful heart

I can't sleep. I have so many things to be thankful for but I can't sleep. I have been lying in bed listening to the storm and thanking God for the rain. This got me thinking about being grateful, truly grateful, and thanking God through all of my storms so here I am getting ready to do just that. So I guess I start with thanking Him for my divorce which was my first major storm. I have learned so much since then and still have so much to learn. Next major storm was my g'ma and then my mom dying less than a month a part. Thank you God for that storm and the people you placed in my life to help me through it. After that I lost my job and I am able to thank God for that and see that He was always in control. Next came my cancer diagnosis and I have to thank Him for that wake up call and how it changed the way I look at life. My next storm was another job loss, but this one cut deep. I not only lost my job, my daughter's lost their school. I was so angry at God. I wanted to know why it happened when I was so faithfully praying for it not to happen. Well guess what? It isn't about what I wanted to happen, it is about what God knew was best for me. I took another position at another Christian school with much hesitation and it seemed like I was right because yep, you guessed it, that school closed too and again my oldest daughter was without a school and her faith had taken a beating. I wasn't sure either one of us would ever be okay again.But a new school rose from the ashes and I was offered a teaching position there and it was going to be great and my daughter would have her senior year. Well August of last year I was told there were not enough kids to hire me and that Gretchen could attend but I would not be working there. I was finished after that storm, no more teaching and no more God as far I was concerned. I was going to sit down and throw myself the biggest pity party ever and never work again. That lasted about four months.

Just when YOU think you have it all figured out, God mixes things up. I had reconnected with an old junior high friend on facebook and through some circumstances that had to have been God ordered I started working again in January. I wasn't working as a teacher, I was selling furniture. I couldn't believe it, first that I actually got the job and second that I liked it. My mom was a teacher and my dad was a salesman so I guess you could say it was time to embrace the dad side of me. lol Once again I found myself thinking I should thank God for this and once again I didn't. Part of what kept me sane while I was going through the last two years was a prayer group I am in at my church. We only meet once a month, but I know the support, encouragement and dare I say it PRAYER I get from being part of that group has helped me on numerous occasions. I am getting ready to enter another storm and I think this is why I can't sleep. When I was on the way to my son's wedding my dad and my brother listed my dad's house for sale. I didn't know he was going to do it and I wasn't prepared for what would happen next. The house sold in two days and I have until the end of this month to clear it out. So many memories in that house, this is going to be a rough storm. But I am going to thank God now for the people who will help me get through this one. I have resolved that my life is going to be full of storms but I am so thankful that He teaches me through all of them.

I need to remember that God is sovereign and that everything will be okay.

Flower Fairies and Faith

Today my daughter and her boyfriend drove to Springfield Illinois. The purpose of their trip was to pack up some things Gretchen wanted from my childhood home. This is the house that I came home from the hospital to and this is the house that was sold this week. The house of my childhood and all of my childhood memories. This is the house that I brought my son home from the hospital to and the house where I last heard my moms laughter. So many memories in that house.

I remember playing the piano for mom that Monday after Easter over ten years ago. I remember her sitting in the comfy chair and Patrick playing the guitar for her. That was the last time I would hear my mom laugh. Every time I walk in the door to that house I remember the life that was lived there and now in a month I won't walk through that door again.

We have a month to get everything out that we want and to make it ready for the the new buyers. On month to pack up a lifetime of memories. One of the things Gretchen brought back today was a Flower Fairy plate. When I looked at the plate I couldn't believe it. The little fairy looked like Hannah before she had her hair cut this summer for locks of love. I have no idea when my mom bought this plate or why but I am so glad she did. I wonder if she knew my family wasn't finished, I would like to think she did know. She knew she was getting a granddaughter that she had prayed for when my brother told her they were expecting a baby in September and I know she wanted to live to see that baby but God had other plans.

So you are probably wondering where the faith part of this blog comes from. Well, it is all I am holding onto right now. I have faith that God is going to work everything out so that this is a smooth move and that I will find all the things I hold dear and bring them home to my house. I have faith that even though this wasn't what I wanted to be doing this month, God knew it was what I would be doing. I have faith that Gretchen finding that plate tucked away in a drawer was no accident.I have faith that I will see my mom again one day and that I honor her memory by keeping things that are precious to me because they were precious to her.

So dear friends please pray for me as I pack up my childhood home. This will be an emotional time for me but one filled with new discoveries and special finds like the plate pictured above. Pray I can finish the race in the time I have allotted to me. Pray for my children as this is an emotional time for them as well. Gretchen said it was hard packing up boxes today but she is thankful for the memories. Flower Fairies and Faith, she knew I know she did. :)

The Wedding Day July 20, 2012

We all slept in today. Hannah slept until 10:30 and she is normally our little alarm clock. So we missed breakfast at the hotel. Right down the street from the hotel was a Cinnabon and I knew that was what we needed to start off my son's wedding day. After a yummy cinnamon roll it was time to wait. We really didn't have anything planned for the day so we just hung out in the hotel room.

I decided to surprise Stephen and I booked him a suite for the night complete with a whirlpool tub and champagne. I was happy to be able to do this for him as an extra wedding gift. Gretchen and Aaron spent the day with a marathon of netflix watching while we waited and Hannah watched television and colored pictures. Patrick read and listened to music and I was an emotional wreck. We had a family meltdown about two hours before we were ready to leave but we managed to work through it. There were circumstances out of my control happening outside of Texas that were affecting my family and causing me some heart ache and so I prayed and asked for prayer.

We all got gussied up and we didn't look half bad if I say so myself. Gretchen looked beautiful and Hannah looked so sweet in her flower girl dress. It was hard for me not to cry and we weren't even there yet. We all decided we were hungry so we went to Taco Bueno and had a small snack before heading to the ceremony. When we got to the chapel on the ranch the wind started blowing and the clouds began to move in and it looked like a storm was coming.

One of my best friends since college drove from Chicago to be there and it was good seeing her. We both prayed the rain would hold off until the reception. I was able to pray with Stephen before the ceremony and that meant the world to me. Since the wedding was on a ranch one of the neat things was that Meagan and her folks rode in a horse drawn carriage and everyone was able to see them as they passed by the big picture window in the chapel. She looked so beautiful that she took my breath away and I prayed that when Stephen saw her that he wouldn't pass out. lol

The first part of the service was when the mothers lit the candles for the unity candle and I walked down the aisle with Meagan's mom. This was a special time for me and I am so glad they included it in their ceremony. After we lit the candles I took a seat with Patrick and we watched as the wedding party entered the chapel. As Meagan came in I watched Stephen's face and I have never seen him both so terrified and happy in his life. It was a beautiful ceremony and I only cried at the end when they kissed.

After the wedding we took pictures and then headed over to the reception. Meagan and her mom and a few others had made all of the food and it looked very professional. The decorations at the reception were beautiful and Meagan and Stephen arrived on a horse drawn carriage. It was all like out of a storybook. The best man made his toast and the matron of honor made her toast and then the cake was cut. Stephen and Meagan's dance was cute and Meagan danced with her dad. We decided to skip the mother son dance because I would have been a crying momma if we had done it.

The groomsmen all went outside to smoke a pipe in celebration of the nuptials. Meanwhile inside the reception Hannah had discovered the camera and was taking pictures of everything and everyone. It was pretty funny. She was like an eight year old paparazzi. lol It started getting late and we had a long drive on Saturday so I hugged my new daughter bye and kissed my son on the cheek and we left. It was a perfect wedding and I was so happy for him. Now back to the hotel to sleep.

Wedding Memories Day 2

This morning woke up and had breakfast with Meagan and Stephen at the hotel. Then it was off to Dinosaur World with Hannah. Patrick, Gretchen and Aaron stayed back and slept in because they hadn't slept well the night before. (I think they just didn't want to be out in the heat) lol

We arrived at Dinosaur World and Hannah was very excited when she saw the life size T-Rex at the entrance. After I bought out tickets we toured the museum which had several interesting fossil pieces on display. There were three replica dinosaur skeletons inside the museum that were huge. After we toured the museum Hannah dug for her own fossils at the fossil dig and she was allowed to keep 3 of her favorite. Next it was time to see all of the dinosaurs.

Walking through the park we encountered many life size dinosaurs. I took some pictures on my phone and Hannah had a blast. It. was. hot. I think it was so hot that our eyelids were sweating. lol One of the most life like scenes was a family of long necks surrounding a small lake. We stood on the dock and fed the poi fish and it looked like the family of dinosaurs was coming for a drink. About this time Hannah was saying I am hot please lets get to the end, only not so nice it was more like "I want to leave now, let's just go please lets leave I have seen enough I am hot." So we headed back to the main entrance and the gift shop. Those of you with kids know what the next few minutes were like. "Can I have it, please let me have it, I need this dinosaur egg and this stuffed dinosaur, please mom." We settled on a keepsake box where she could put her fossils from the dig and a couple of postcards, she also got a souvenir penny with dinosaur world on it.

Back at the hotel I took a little nap due to being in the heat and Patrick took Hannah to the pool. Gretchen and Aaron went off for a bit to explore, have lunch and buy tickets to "The Dark Knight Rises" compliments of me. :) There was a little theater in Granbury Texas and the tickets were only $7 each which is super cheap. They were planning on going to the midnight showing after the rehearsal dinner.

We all got ready for the rehearsal dinner and headed out. When we got to the venue it was still very hot. The restaurant put us in a courtyard outside and I was really worried that it wouldn't work. It looked great with the lights and the tables and the waterfall so I was hoping for the best. Sure enough as the sun went down we were able to stay and have a great dinner. Everyone seemed to have a good time and the food was awesome. I was very pleased. The most important thing was for Stephen and Meagan to have fun and I know they did. Brandon, the best man made a toast and so did Meagan's dad Clyde. I bought a book and passed it around for everyone to sign and put some advice in for Meagan and Stephen. All in all it was a very good evening.

We went back to the hotel and crashed for the night. I am so thankful that Aaron and Gretchen were able to be safe as they watched the movie. I couldn't believe what I saw on the news the next morning about the shooting in Colorado. Being in a little town in Texas was not such a bad place to be. I prayed for all of the families involved in the shooting and thanked God for the safety of my family.

My son is getting married! Wait he is still ten!

Written on July 17, 2012 

Today I am on the road  to Texas. Four years ago Stephen left for Texas and I told him "If I know you son, you are going to marry a girl from Texas." Well it looks like his mom was right. The reason I am on the road is to go to my son's wedding. So many things are going through my head right now. I hope I taught him what he needs to know. I hope he knows that I love him. Even though I didn't stay married to his birth dad, I hope he knows I believe in marriage. (I have been married to his step-dad for fifteen years this year).

When I think of who Stephen is as a man it reminds me of all the people who had a part in his life. I guess I am writing this note to thank them. Two women had a big part in Stephen's life when he was little and I count them as two of my best friends. Thank you Tammy and Kass for putting up with my goofy, crazy kid. Thanks for loving him and helping him through the rough time of my separation and divorce. Thanks for still being an encouragement in his life even now. I am so thankful that you will be at the wedding Tammy and I wish you could be there Kass. I know you will be in spirit.

Thinking back to Stephen's Concord church days there were several guys who mentored him and showed him you can be cool, have fun and love Christ. Tim Hall, Jeremy Proemsey, Scott Wheeler, Tim Weber all of you guys helped Stephen grow as a young man. Thanks to your leadership and direction Stephen chose a life of faith and skipped the partying and promiscuity. I appreciate all of the retreats and times that you held him accountable and taught him truth. 

The two years that Stephen was at South Side Christian school there were teachers that poured into him and helped him to develop academically as well as spiritually. Through various retreats and activities, programs and classroom learning Stephen started to grow into the young man God was calling him to be.Thank you to Patrick Tuller, Joni Leiniger,  Teresa Starks,  Karen Hunt, Arlie Singleton, Larry Amen and can't forget Mary Yousef for leading our motley crew. lol

Then after a really rough time of loosing his great grandma and his grandma Stephen, Gretchen and I made a choice to go to Illinois and become part of Collinsville Christian Academy. This was a place that grew Stephen as an athlete, scholar and a young man of God. There Stephen found great teachers and coaches, people who cared about his physical as well as spiritual well being. Thank you to Stephen Perkins, Rich Kotras ,Nathaniel Kotras, Donna Kotras, Cindy Collier, Trudy Hotson,Wendy Klein, Donald Douglas, and Debbie Legters. You were all a huge part of his junior high and high school life. So many memories of soccer games and concerts and everything in between. 

Gretchen, what can I say. This is your big brother's wedding you are going to be in on Friday. I am sure you have a lot you want to tell him as well. I know you love your brother fiercly and that you are pleased with his choice. I know you want whats best for him and that you will always be there for him even if he is driving you crazy. Thanks for being a great sister.

My little boy is getting married. I still can't believe it. I am so thankful for the woman he has chosen to make his wife. I remember when I first saw her picture on facebook that something in me knew that she would marry my son. There story is not one out of a storybook and it is filled with hard times as well as good times. I remember telling my seventh grade class that this was the girl my son  would marry as they looked at pictures with me. Thank you Meagan for loving my son, for helping him come out of a very dark place and for believing in him. Thank you for always pushing him to be a better man. I appreciate you faith and your love. Welcome to our family darling daughter.

Wedding memories Day 1

Today I woke up rested after eight hours of sleep. Gretchen said sleeping in a room with her dad and I was like listening to a snoring symphony. I guess we were tired after our long drive. She said between us snoring and Hannah kicking she didn't sleep very well.  Our day started off with waffles shaped like the state of Texas~ yee haw   Yes, the hotel we are staying at has a waffle maker that is shaped like Texas. After breakfast we hung out in the hotel room and rested some more from our travels.

Next was the rehearsal at the Whispering Creek Ranch. As we were driving through the country to get to the ranch I noticed lots of cattle ranches along the way and a beautiful blue sky with amazing clouds. When we got to the ranch and got out of the van there were grasshoppers everywhere. This did not thrill Gretchen at all and she moved quickly into the chapel. lol The rehearsal went well and I was able to meet Meagan's mom and step-dad. The chapel was very pretty with yellow flowers decorating the pews and a beautiful picture window overlooking the prairie.The bridal party seemed to get along well and that is always a good thing.

We were all getting pretty hungry and decided on lunch at Schlotzkys. :) I have to say this is one of my favorite places to eat and I wish we had one in St. Louis. A trip to Walmart for some art supplies, a huge beach ball and some snacks and then back to the hotel for Patrick and Hannah so they could nap. My afternoon was spent with Gretchen and Aaron finding Aaron a vest and nice dress shirt. We drove in to Fort Worth and met a wonderful sales lady at Macy's who helped us out and gave us a great deal. After shopping I bought Aaron and Gretchen Chick-Fil-A and we went back to the hotel. Stephen, Meagan, Brandon and his wife Chelsea, and Brett came over and ate pizza and hung out in the hotel pool with my girls and Aaron. While the kids went swimming at the hotel, it was date night at Hoffbrau's Steak house. I had a fried green tomato BLT and it was yummo! Our waitress even sent us back to the hotel with a big order of complimentary homemade banana pudding that was like my aunt used to make at family reunions.

I find myself missing my mom a lot right now. I know she would have been proud of Stephen and would have loved to watch her grandson wed the love of his life. Maybe somehow she is watching and smiling down on all of us. Time for bed to prepare for another busy day tomorrow.

5 years and counting

It has been five years. I can't believe it. I guess it is time to tell my story. As most of my friends know I had a baby at forty. Hannah was our little miracle and I am filled with gratitude to God for giving us another daughter to love. The doctor had told Patrick and I after my miscarriage that we couldn't have any more children. So was I ever surprised to find out I was pregnant. The next three years went by quickly and before I knew it I was forty three years old and had a three year old daughter and a thirteen year old daughter and an seventeen year old son and I had never had a mammogram. Since I was nursing my doctor said to wait a few years before having one. My mom died from breast cancer in 2002 but I never thought I needed to worry about myself. I was wrong.

So here is my story. It was May of 2007 and I was shopping at Schnucks and saw that the Barnes Mammography Van would be in the parking lot of that store in a couple of weeks. I know now that I was supposed to go to that store and see that flyer. I came home and something told me to go ahead and call and schedule an appointment that day. Well, the day came and I had my first mammogram. I thought well that is over now I can get back to not thinking about that again for five more years. Again, I was wrong. I got a call from Barnes Jewish telling me there was an abnormality on my mammogram and could I come there to have another one. It was time to tell Patrick. I had never even told him I was having a mammogram in the first place. We drove to Barnes in silence, both thinking this couldn't be happening. I had my second mammogram and we waited. The call came...I needed a biopsy they had found a tumor. Okay, I told myself breath, just breath. The few days before the biopsy felt like years and we waited and prayed. Patrick did a lot of stomping around and was angry while I was quiet and reserved. We had decided not to tell the kids too much about what was going on since it had just been five years since we had lost my mom.

The day of the biopsy came and the sun was shining and I the birds were singing and it was a beautiful June day. I just knew that the test would come back with the tumor being benign and that I would wake up from the bad dream. I was scared to have the biopsy. I don't like needles, not one bit. I had an intern do it and wouldn't you know it, he messed up and it had to be done again. It wasn't intense pain but it wasn't something I wanted done twice. They left a little wire in to guide the surgeon to the spot if I would need anything further done. I thought to myself that was stupid because they aren't going to find anything. And yes, you guessed it. I was wrong for the third time.

The call came and I was told that I had Breast Cancer in situ and it was stage 0 which was a miracle in itself. The oncologist said this kind of cancer is only detected by mammogram and not a self-evaluation. I would have never found it on my own. I knew God had this under control and breathed a little. She said I would need to have a lumpectomy and they would remove the tumor and tissue around the tumor to test and see if all of the cancer was gone. We scheduled the surgery and once again God's hand was evident because one of the top oncology surgeons at Siteman had an opening and we took it.

I was supposed to go on a mission trip with my son's youth group to Michigan and Patrick wanted me to cancel, but I told him I thought it would be good for me to go. I wouldn't be thinking about what was going to happen but would be focused on something outside of my world. So I went. It was a great week with a great group of kids and adults and I found myself not even thinking about the cancer. The last night we were there a group of my son's friends prayed over me on the beach. It was such a special moment and I felt a warmth go through my entire body, I also felt something fall in the sand next to my feet and I didn't know what it could have been. When we got back to where we were staying I saw what had fallen. I wore a bracelet to remember my mom and it had a pink breast cancer ribbon charm on it. While the kids were praying for me, it fell into the sand. I couldn't believe it. I knew that I had been healed, right there on that beach in Michigan and I no longer felt the cancer in my body.

It is hard to explain but after I heard the words "cancer" it was like I had a parasite living inside of me and all I wanted was to be rid of it. I prayed for healing and also for faith to walk through this time. I yelled at God, cried and yelled some more. Some days I just walked through a fog. When I came home from the trip my husband said you look like you had a good time and he even said I looked happy. I told him about the beach and the bracelet. I am not sure he believed me, but I knew he wanted to believe.  Monday morning early I went in for my surgery.

Patrick drove me to the hospital and I was put under and when I woke up the tumor was gone. And now we wait, and wait and wait some more. My good friend Donna brought me lunch and we watched a movie together the afternoon after my surgery. We waited some more and then the call came to go into the oncologists office. I thought WAIT what is going on, I should not be going into her office she should have told me over the phone NO CANCER. This was not happening. Patrick drove me to Siteman and we went into the doctors office and sat down. She looked at me and looked at him and told us both NO CANCER. She said the biopsy indicated the tumor was malignant but when they sent it off to be tested it came back benign. She said when she removed it that it looked like cancer and when it came back that it wasn't she sent it back to be tested a second time. She said she was not sure what happened but they found no cancer in any of my tissue surrounding the tumor and that as far as she could see I was cancer free. I told her the story of the beach and she said she wasn't a believer but something must have happened on that beach. She even used the word MIRACLE which she said she never uses. I was told I didn't have to do chemo or radiation and just needed to have my check ups. I walked out of the office a different person than I had walked in an hour earlier.

That is my story, a story of God's providence and survival. Thanks for taking the time to read it. Have a blessed life.