Grants Farm and God's Grace

Today, in the intense heat, my brother and his family decided it would be a good day to go to Grant's Farm. The tram ride was not that bad,there was a breeze and some pretty interesting animals, like Asian ducks, two week old calves that were twins, and an Ostrich named Olivia (which is my nieces name). ha ha But when we got off the tram it was soooo hot. The younger girls road the carousel and fed the baby goats and got a snow cone. All of these were a big hit. But the best part of the visit was the animal show. First, it was in the shade, second there were big fans and they were working well and third the show itself was very entertaining. i don't remember seeing a parrot do a puzzle or roller skate before. After the show we went to feed the camels and Olivia said " wow it's tongue is dry and feels really weird" and we all laughed. We had our free beer and headed out to have lunch.

We tried to go to Crown's Candy Kitchen but as luck would have it, a tour bus pulled up right before we got there and no way were we going to sit out in that heat and wait for a table so we headed to Fitz's in the Loop. Well we had quite a ride through some pretty blighted city neighborhoods and looking at the homes I thanked God for providing for my family. We made it to Fitz's and the kids enjoyed some root beer and cream soda and a really yummy order of fried pickles. My daughter Hannah age 7 exclaims hey there is a pickle under here after she pulled off some of the breading which made us all laugh.

Getting home after a full day we took a break and then I took the girls to meet my brother at the hotel for some swimming, which they did and had a lot of fun. I left Hannah there and headed to prayer meeting.

Once a month at my church we get together for prayer. Tonight it was at my friend Lori's house and we had a great meeting. Praying with a small group of people is such great therapy for me. And tonight was no exception. I love entering in and just worshiping who God is! One of the ladies brought veggie sushi which was yummy and was a great way to end the evening. It was a very good day today. Long, but very good. I am thankful for family.

Inspiration from the Rolling Stones

"No, you can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
And if you try sometime you find
You get what you need"
Rolling Stones

As a Christian what does this mean to me, what is the difference between wants and needs. The Bible says that my God shall supply all of my needs, not my wants. So this made me start thinking about my needs. What is it that I really need? My most basic need is God! He is all I need, I couldn't stand, breathe, live or move without my God. There have been so many times in my life that without God I wouldn't have survived.

So I am going to choose God as my number one need. My next need would be sustenance( food and water) in order to live, I need both of these. Some days I wish this wasn't a need and I pray and ask God to feed me that day. I guess that is how I view fasting, getting rid of that need for a time so I can concentrate on my first need .I guess another basic need is shelter and this goes back to even the Son of God who needed shelter that night in Bethlehem when He was born. It wasn't much but it was what was needed.

Every time I have a need, it is met. There have been so many times in my life when my God was faithful.
Starting with the family he gave me, my needs have always been met. I was so blessed to have a Godly mother who brought me up in the fear and admonition of the Lord. I accepted Jesus as my Savior at the age of nine and knew that I would have the Holy Spirit to help me for the rest of my life. Growing up I could see God in so many ways, we never went hungry, I always had a home and clothes to wear. I had a great church and some pretty neat friends.

When I got into high school I started wondering if God was enough, was this just something I had done because of my parents or was this something I did because of me. I started questioning my faith and then I totaled my dad's Volvo two weeks after getting my license and I walked away from the accident. I hit a fire hydrant and then a tree and rolled the car on it's side. When the guy across the street saw the car(by the way he happened to be a cute football player from my high school) he came rushing over to help. I was fine a little banged up and a lot humbled. I would love to say that I found all the answers to my questions and right then and there I made a commitment that God was enough, but I can't say that.

The next year was my senior year in high school and did I mention I hated high school with a burning passion, no, well I did. I only went one semester and then I did an internship with kids from all over Illinois. I worked at the State Capital and hung out with some kids I really thought were cool. One of those kids told me one night that no one here knew me and I could be whoever I wanted to be, that I didn't have to be the good church girl anymore, I could do whatever I liked. I wish I had looked at him and said no, but just like that I thought he was right and what did I have to loose. So I stopped living for God and started living for myself. Big time wrong choice.

Over the next fifteen years I made so many mistakes because it was always about what I wanted and not what I needed. I wanted to have a boyfriend, I wanted to drink and party, I wanted to go to the school I wanted to go to, I wanted to get married because everyone else was, I wanted what I wanted when I wanted it.

I married a guy that I had dated for five years and everything pointed to this being a  a good choice. One problem, we were both selfish and didn't have God at the center of our relationship. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't all bad and we had two great kids, Stephen and Gretchen. We found a church and did all the right things and from the outside we looked happy, but we continued on our selfish path and the only thing that was going to happen was that we would crash and burn and that we did. Again thinking wants were more important.

After I was divorced I was left with a two year old and a seven year old and a mortgage and a lot of questions. I lost it for about a year after I was divorced I was thirty-three and I was going to do what I wanted. Praise God that even when we aren't looking for Him, He is still calling us. I needed a church and I found one that was just where I was supposed to be that had a pastor that was bold enough to tell me what are you doing, this isn't how you want to live, stop it, and I did!

After that I never looked back I just looked to the future. I met a great guy and we became best-friends. We have been married for thirteen years and there have been some rough times but God has always supplied our needs. When I lost my grandma, my mom, and my job in the same year; God was there and helped me through all of it. Was I angry, sure, did I have questions, sure, but you know what when you take your questions before God He will answer them. Again not what I wanted but what I needed to grow in my faith.

After that loss God gave me something I didn't think I needed but I was wrong, He gave me Hannah. He took my mom home to Glory and then gave me another daughter to love and share His love with. I thought, are you crazy God, I am "old" I am forty, I don't need a baby. But He showed me I did.

Four years ago I had to have a lumpectomy and again God was faithful and provided what I needed, it wasn't what I wanted, to go into my doctor and hear the word "Cancer" but it was what I had to go through. I have a testimony of restoration and healing that I can share because of that time.

I am now at a place in my life where I again am having to trust God to supply what I need. No more questions, no more guessing this time I know! He will provide for me. It is so great to have that assurance that no matter what, He will be there. Always!  I hope by reading this bog it blesses someone and they can see the God who has put up with me at my worst and still loved me. I know that God still has plans for my life, but I am liking where I am at right now.So when the storms come and they will, I will be ready with a God who will supply all I NEED!

• 

A poster from mom and a slap back to reality

 After really missing my mom and having a good cry with my daughter I looked over into the corner of my bedroom and saw a poster I just recently put up that my mom had given me. I felt like she slapped me in the face and said stop with the pitty party and get living girl. I added my comments in ( ) Here is what the poster says it is by Gail Kittleson:

The Older I Get

The more I notice outrageous beauty ( or just plain beauty)

Of stars and moon against the sky…(especially in the fall)

The softer a baby’s skin feels…(this was so true of Hannah)

The less panicky I am during sleepless nights…(I am not sure this one is true. ha ha)

The less easy answers I have…(sometimes I have no answers)

The hungrier I am for connectedness…(I have always likes to be connected to friends)

The less I know, the more I wonder…(wondering is good, it uses the brain)

The longer I linger in snowfalls…(nothing better than snowflakes on your tongue)

The kinder I am with weakness…( I am going to work on this one)

The more honest I am with myself…(sometimes brutally honest)

The more I understand children’s logic…( love <3 this)

The less rigid I am…( hope this is true)

           The mightier the ocean seems each time I visit…(going to visit one soon)

        The less I wonder how old I’ll be someday…(yep, since I am old. ha ha)

The more hugs I give…(it is easy to hug a 7 yr old, not so easy a 17 yr old)

The gentler I am with myself…(a work in progress)

The less I think of what I think…(go ahead and laugh)

The faster I clean my house…(getting better at this one)

The wiser I long to be…(we all can't be a Solomon)

The more I realize how impatient I’ve always been with life…(always have been)

The more opportunities I see in each day…( this one I need to work on)

The more I think about the miraculous gift Beethoven gave to the world…(ah music!)

The more I play(card games and swings)

The less I think of what others think…(I wish this was true)

                                          The closer I feel to old, old friends...(I know this is true, ah childhood memories of summer nights and fireflies)

The more natural prayer seems…( amen)

The more I enjoy a simple cup of tea...(or a nice glass of wine and a good book)

The hotter I draw my bath water and the longer I lie in it…(showers are great as well)

The longer I listen…(with my whole heart)

The wider berth I give to sorrow in the grand scheme of things…(it seems like it is all around)

The younger in spirit I feel…(especially when I am teaching)

The quieter my inner self becomes…(don't know if I am ever quiet)

The greater my appreciation of harmony…(agreement of any kind is good)

The more time I spend looking at stained glass windows…( <3)

The more comfortable I am with solitude…(actually need it sometimes)

The more I see good coming out of difficulties…(ALL things work together for good.. Phil 4:13)

The more grateful I am to be alive(walking in grace that's for sure)

The more beautiful I am becoming.(I hope this is true but some days I don't feel it)

Mothers and Daughters

Okay so I know God has a sense of humor because he gave me a child when I was 40. Hope He got some good laughs from that. ha ha Seriously though we were told we couldn't have any children after I miscarried a few years before, so Hannah was a little miracle. And I have another daughter who is seventeen and will be a senior in high school. Two daughters, ten years apart that is God's sense of humor with me. They are nothing alike in temperament either. Sometimes I don't know what to do with either one.

My oldest daughter has had a rough time of it the last several years. I thought I had found the perfect high school for her and left my teaching position that I had held for six years to begin teaching at a new school. I made some great friends there and she did too. She was on the worship team and was growing so much as a Christian it was awesome to watch. But then after two years the school closed and it wasn't pretty how it did: friendships ended, trusts were broken and it crushed my daughters, not to mention what it did to me. My youngest daughter went to school there as well pre-k and kdg. She cried when we drove by and saw the gates were padlocked and stuff had been thrown out practically into the street. We were all wounded and disillusioned with Christian schools and I really didn't want to teach anymore. I had no idea what we were going to do and then I was asked to teach at another Christian school and I said no three times. I found a school for Hannah (my youngest) and she started first grade and made some new friends. Finally I said yes to teaching and Gretchen enrolled in the school. Well, here we are looking at what to do with her senior year because ...wait for it...that school closed too.

Now don't get me wrong, I do believe God had a purpose for both of us going there last year. I met some great women that have become my friends and Gretchen made some awesome friends as well. One guy in particular that means the world to her, and she has been dating for eight months. He is a great guy, with a heart for God and my daughter. But I may write more about him in another blog, this one is for mothers and daughters. So now I am asking God what next? We have made the decision to send Hannah to public school and see how she does there We don't have the money right now to send her back to the Christian school she went to last year. And Gretchen, well we may do a part-time enrollment at yet a third high school and also some college courses. I know God will help me know what is best.

I miss my mom! It is times like these that I would love to be able to pick up the phone and just call her and say "HELP!"

Summer Nights and Memories

     Tonight my husband took me to the Muny to see "Little Shop of Horrors" and I loved it. The music was great, the singing was great and even though it doesn't have a traditional happy ending, it is still a good show. I like that there are consequences for the characters actions and that seeking after the things of this world is shown in a negative light by the end of the show. I still remember the summer before we were married that my husband took me to see "Joseph and the Technicolor Dreamcoat". He doesn't really like musicals but he knows they make me happy.You see I love musicals, always have and always will. I remember going to the Muny as a child with my family and it was such a special treat. We would drive the 88 miles from Springfield, would eat a picnic supper and we rarely got food at the Muny because it was a tradition to go to Ted Drewes afterwards. We would eat that delicious custard and then fall asleep on the drive home. We wouldn't get home until 2 in the morning but we didn't care because the night was worth it.

     Such great memories were made on summer nights. If it wasn't the Muny, it was the Route 66 Drive-in or our own local version of the Muny (much smaller, but fun nevertheless). It was important to my mom and dad that we do stuff as a family. Again, not sure I appreciated it then but I sure do now. It seems like my memories of summers are the strongest. Eating our dinner outside on our patio with dad cooking ribs on the grill and mom bringing out steaming platters of corn on the cob and green beans from our garden. Watermelon was one of our favorite deserts and our crazy dog would drink out of the empty shell after my mom would fill the other half with melon balls. There it is again, food and memories it seems like sometimes you can't have one without the other. I mean if you think about it the first miracle took place around food. Mary probably couldn't drink a glass of wine after the wedding without remembering what her "Son" had done there.

     Today I am thankful for date nights with my husband, musicals and summer nights

Peaches and Cream

Last night I had a fresh peach with some cream and it was delicious. It tasted sooo good but it also made me feel good. It brought back childhood memories of my family and our little house on West Glenn and how great summer was growing up. I like it when food not only tastes good but makes you feel good. And it seems like if you think about it a lot of our memories are tied to food. When I was a girl I never thought there would be a network devoted to food and now there is and I think there is more than one. In the summer dad would make homemade peach ice cream and it was the best! I remember going to get the rock salt that we would use in the ice cream maker and picking out the best peaches and then having our friends, the Medleys, over for some wonderful ice cream.
I think I took so much for granted growing up and sometimes wish I could get in a time machine and do some things different. If I could go back I would tell my mom thanks for all of the yummy meals she made in the heat of the summer without a microwave.( ha ha we are so spoiled)  I would tell me g'ma thanks for the summers at her house reading books from the library on the porch swing. I would tell my g'pa thanks for taking me fishing and showing me that grasshoppers make the best bait. I still have my dad with me so I try to remember to tell him thanks for all the things he does for my family and I.
Today I am thankful for memories!

Hmm

     I guess it is time to make my own blog. I love to write so why not write in cyberspace. Today is July 28th and it is hot in St. Louis. I can't believe it is 103, that is too hot. It makes me feel like St. Louis is sick with the flu and running a high temp and needs to take an aspirin. So the title of my blog should probably be explained. I feel like my life has been a walk in grace. As long as I can remember God has been a part of my life. I remember when I was nine I started my grace walk and have been walking ever since.
     What exactly is grace? I really like the definition that grace is getting what you don't deserve and mercy is not getting what you do. Thinking that we deserve nothing makes our blessings that much better. "But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. " Romans 5:8 
See what I mean,we don't deserve anything yet Christ gave us everything. I had always kind of played around with the idea of keeping a gratitude journal. I think I may use this blog for that as well as for my musings.
     Things I am thankful for today: my family, air conditioning, the time to be able to create this blog.