Hope, it's just so simple!

Today is Easter! Christ the Lord is risen today!
Worship was awesome and my pastor preached a message on hope.
It really hit me today that I have been pushing through this last decade of my life,
Stuffing all kinds of  stuff down,
Deep down, and just leaving it there.
On some occasions it pushes to the surface,
There is an explosion and I hurt people, people I love
Then I stuff it again.
Even deeper then it was before.
I was living in hopelessness, I had lost hope.


Today as I was worshipping in church,
I had the clearest image of my parents worshipping at the throne,
together on this Resurrection morning,
TOGETHER,  finally after thirteen years
With all of the Saints and Jesus!
What a morning it must have been for them.
I'm so filled with joy from that image.

My mom and dad didn't have a usual kind of love story, in fact they were divorced for their thirtieth anniversary, weird huh! I'm still not sure what happened, my mom blamed her hormones and my dad blamed life in general. But I have to say when my mom got really sick, my dad took care of her and she moved back into the house that I grew up in, to die. In fact, we had to change her death certificate because my dad was listed as her husband. Everyone at the hospice was stunned that they weren't married by the care my dad gave her. She waited until my dad went to get a cup of coffee and she took off  for heaven, early in the morning on April 5, 2002 just as the sun was coming up, my brother was the only one with her. That's the way she wanted it, she died on her own terms.

Flash forward thirteen years later to January of this year, and my dad waited until I was there and took off for heaven, also on his on terms. He didn't want to live in a nursing home, he knew his body was giving out and I truly believe he let go of this life because he was ready to be with Jesus. To be absent in the body is to be present in the Spirit! He knew where he was going, and as he recited Psalm 23 while he was in the hospital, I knew he was leaving this earth soon. He was gone a week later. Losing parents is a part of life, everyone will lose their parents, it's the natural order of things. We grow old and we die. That's why I rejoice on this day, the day we celebrate victory over death, this resurrection Sunday! I have hope I will see both of my parents again, because of today I have hope.

I have struggled with depression, off and on for the last thirteen years, it's affected my marriage, my relationship with my kids, my jobs, and my spirit. I have been on and off medication because I'm a Believer, I'm not supposed to be depressed, I'm supposed to be filled with joy. But I am admitting that I'm broken, hurt and angry and yes I think deep down I had lost my hope. The really funny thing is that witnessing the way my dad died, in a way started me back on a journey to hope. I quit my job because I felt God calling me into a season of rest and time with my family, some other reasons too but not important here. I joined a Bible Study at church, and the theme was rest, Sabbath rest, I was starting to get what God was saying, but not all of it. Today, I got another glimmer of what He wants me to do, but you will have to wait to hear what that is all about!

His peace
Our joy
Praising Him in all things
Everything is going to be alright

HOPE, we all long for it, we all need it, we have it in Christ!