So my dad died. I now no longer have a father or mother on this earth and that makes me feel sad. I understand that everyone has to die, it's part of life, but it still hurts. Today is February 24 and my dad died one month ago. Everything has changed, Ive always been a daddy's girl and now my daddy is gone. I was gone for a month, spending the last few weeks I would have with my dad. Somedays we would just sit and watch the food network, other days we would talk about heaven and somedays we would just sit. They were hard days, but they were good days. Now that I am home I don't feel like I fit anywhere, I quit my job because there were really wrong things going on and I could not work for that company anymore, I'm not sure where I fit as Hannahs mom and I certainly am struggling to be a wife right now. It has been a daily struggle to tell myself that things are going to get better. It's complicated.
Grief is complicated, everyone will tell you there are five stages to grief: Denial, Anger, Depression, Bargaining and Acceptance but everyone doesn't see life the same so how can you compartmentalize grief? I lost a baby once who hadn't been born yet, I have friends who have lost babies after they were born, I can't even begin to understand that kind of grief. I have not lost a spouse but I have friends who have and I pray for them because there are no words. I have lost both of my parents, my mother to cancer and my father to heart disease. I know that kind of pain, some nights it feels like my heart will just break. I have survived cancer and am living with high blood pressure, two things that I guess I genetically inherited from my parents. It's scary, looking at your own immortality. Some nights I wake up in a cold sweat thinking I'm going to die if I close my eyes. This is my life right now, it's complicated.
Where does faith fit in, it must fit somewhere. I believe in heaven and I believe that one day I will see my parents again. This is what I tell my eleven year old who has lost two grandparents in a fifteen month time span. We have had many discussions on death. "Mom, why can't everyone just live here with us forever, why do people have to die?" "Mom, I don't think it's fair that I didn't get very many years with grandma and grampy, why do my other friends have their grandparents and I don't have mine?" " Mom, why did grammy die before I could ever meet her? Do you think she knows I am here at all?" these are some examples of at we've talked about. Of course I tell her that Jesus had to die so we could live forever with our families because that's the deal, death for life, right? It should make it easier but some days nothing helps. It's complicated.
Some days I just wish I could shut off my emotions, just not feel anything, no anger, sadness, loneliness etc but then I realize I wouldn't feel happiness, love ,joy as well. Today has been a day filled with crying and outbursts and I am emotionally exhausted. Unfortunately my husband has taken the brunt of those negative emotions today and I am sorry. I'm sure some days he feels like my own private human pin cushion. I know when we got married we said for better or worse, but I'm telling you I am sick of the worse and just want to know when things are going to get better. This is the part where my faith should kick in, but it doesnt seem to be doing that. I feel lost. I know in my heart that God is holding me and that He loves me, I just ont feel it right now. It's complicated!
Tuesday, February 24, 2015
Friday, November 28, 2014
Black Friday blessings
Wow! What a long day but I was with a great lady who is always an encouragement and challenges me to be the best I can be. I missed my Flotown team and I was not looking forward to working from midnight until 9 the next day. I drove over to Edwardsville last night and the doors opened at midnight. We had a search light out front and a line of people waiting for a $99 sofa. It was crazy town for about an hour. My first guest came for the sofa and left with a new mattress, bed and sectional and a free tablet! Boom, great sale first one of the night. Then it got quiet. I rested in a recliner in back for a couple of hours and about 6:30 it started hoping again.
I actually had fun and met some great people. I met an 80 year old man that needed a good basic mattress- hadn't bought a new one in years, an expectant mom I found her the cutest glider recliner for the nursery and a new sectional for the living room, a mom and daughter( found a living room for the mom and a bedroom for the granddaughter) , a couple who hadn't bought a new mattress in years that got a power base to help with back pain and circulation after experiencing the dream experience. Another young couple that needed just the right size dining room and we found it for them, just the right one!
It was a long day, but a rewarding one and I go to sleep with lower blood pressure helping to make Christmas dreams come true today! That's a really good feeling. The End
Friday, November 21, 2014
Are you kidding me? Hypertension was not in my plans!
I haven't blogged much lately. So much has happened. I left my store in South County and moved to the store in Florissant the end of September. I took a new position as SME trainer and it was better to go to a new store.The last two months have been rewarding and challenging. It was hard to start over again and I was frustrated with my lack of sales but the team at Florissant was encouraging and welcoming and made me feel at home. They bought me ice cream cupcakes and gave me a cute card for my birthday. I dressed up like the Cat in The Hat for a crazy midnight madness sale and like Pinky from Grease. We had fun that day for sure! I looked forward to going to work and my sales were getting stronger and stronger. Dave, my manager, never gave up on me even when I wanted to quit. Over the past two months I have trained in three different stores and assisted with a training for new manager hires. I LOVE Training and Teaching! It is so exciting to see a sales professional leave a training scrimmage and have a great sale because they are using what they have been taught. It makes my heart happy to see others succeed.
As most of my friends know, I'm a survivor.This summer I had a scare, but God brought me through again. The last two weeks I have worked several days in Edwardsville doing training for DSG, the company I work for now. Yesterday I went to the Walgreens Clinic after work because I had an awful cough and thought I might have strep. Turned out what I had was far more serious. My blood pressure reading was off the charts and they said I had to go to the ER immediately because it was at stroke level. There was no way I was going to the ER, no insurance until January. I walked out of the clinic, got in my car and cried. Why was this happening to me, why now, c'mon God give me a break.
I called my friend Donna and told her what was happening and that I was coming over to her house. I just love that lady. She had me take my blood pressure again and we went and got some dinner together and then she prayed for me. I just had to make it through the night and get to the doctors on Friday. I called my manager Dave and told him what was going on as well. I didn't sleep very well due to the coughing and thinking I was going to die. I did make it to the doctors and was told my blood pressure was dangerously high and I would be resting for a week. He also told me that I had severe sinusitis and that he would be prescribing medication for both. So now I rest, pray and spend some time with my family. I would appreciate your prayers as well. Love you all.
Thursday, August 14, 2014
Riots, Running and Restoration.
Everyday I go to work I look for an opportunity to bless my guests. It's in my companies mission statement and its one of the main reasons I am still working at Ashley. Tonight around five I was sitting on desk one (that is the desk we sit at right before we greet a guest) and Shawna said to me these people haven't been helped and I left desk one to help them. Little did I realize it was time for some blessing! I introduced myself and began engaging my guest in conversation, sharing the mission statement and the great financing we had to offer. Through engaging my guest I discovered they were a mother and daughter and were moving soon and needed some new furniture.
As we continued to talk she revealed to me her needs and what she came in to the store to buy. I asked her what area of St. Louis she lived in and she told me Ferguson, my heart skipped a beat. She went on to tell me that she lived right where the young man was shot. Right in the middle of everything. She had tears in her eyes as she told me stories of children being maced, by police, tear gas being used and what it felt light to live in a war zone in America. She said there has always been problems between the police and the residents and this incident just lit the flame. She said she feared for her safety so she was leaving everything and starting over in a new place. I couldn't t believe that I was going to be able to help someone put their life back together. LIFE MOMENTS MATTER, this is so true. We were back in the mattress department and she and her daughter were laying on a mattress and it was a special moment because I could see that they just needed some time to just be still. So I walked away and gave them their moment. When I came back they had found their mattress. :)
She didn't want to go through any of our finance companies, she had heard of Acceptance Now and wanted to go through that company. She wanted to build back her credit and had heard that Acceptance Now would report her on time payments.She wanted to make a better life for herself and for her daughter. She shared how she works for a hotel and the General Manager is letting her stay there so she can feel safe. She said the news is just showing part of the story. She never believed anything like this could happen in her neighborhood. And she had tears in her eyes. I had to give her some big discounts to make this happen for her and I didn't even care if I made commission on this sale, I just wanted to help her start again. We found a sofa, table set, mattress and chest and the entire process from start to finish was a little over three ours. I felt so good when I was walking her to the door. I felt like what I had done today mattered, that I mattered and I felt assurance that I was right where I was supposed to be. Looking forward to more Ashley Anecdotes and feeling blessed tonight to be a blessing.
As we continued to talk she revealed to me her needs and what she came in to the store to buy. I asked her what area of St. Louis she lived in and she told me Ferguson, my heart skipped a beat. She went on to tell me that she lived right where the young man was shot. Right in the middle of everything. She had tears in her eyes as she told me stories of children being maced, by police, tear gas being used and what it felt light to live in a war zone in America. She said there has always been problems between the police and the residents and this incident just lit the flame. She said she feared for her safety so she was leaving everything and starting over in a new place. I couldn't t believe that I was going to be able to help someone put their life back together. LIFE MOMENTS MATTER, this is so true. We were back in the mattress department and she and her daughter were laying on a mattress and it was a special moment because I could see that they just needed some time to just be still. So I walked away and gave them their moment. When I came back they had found their mattress. :)
She didn't want to go through any of our finance companies, she had heard of Acceptance Now and wanted to go through that company. She wanted to build back her credit and had heard that Acceptance Now would report her on time payments.She wanted to make a better life for herself and for her daughter. She shared how she works for a hotel and the General Manager is letting her stay there so she can feel safe. She said the news is just showing part of the story. She never believed anything like this could happen in her neighborhood. And she had tears in her eyes. I had to give her some big discounts to make this happen for her and I didn't even care if I made commission on this sale, I just wanted to help her start again. We found a sofa, table set, mattress and chest and the entire process from start to finish was a little over three ours. I felt so good when I was walking her to the door. I felt like what I had done today mattered, that I mattered and I felt assurance that I was right where I was supposed to be. Looking forward to more Ashley Anecdotes and feeling blessed tonight to be a blessing.
Tuesday, August 5, 2014
Let's Be Real
On July 1st I had a mammogram. I am going to be honest and tell everyone that I hadn't had a follow up mammogram since my breast cancer in 2007. It was so much easier to just ignore it and say I was cancer free, after all God had healed me in 2007 so there was no way it was going to come back! I walked in two walks and even went to a survivor dinner last year at Rams Park. I wore my pink bracelet and that was that. I was just going to continue to ignore it and then the mammogram van came to me. No more ignoring it!
The last five weeks have tested my faith, patience and who God is to me. I talk about faith, I blog about faith, I sing about faith but do I truly walk in faith. Do I believe God is who He says He is or don't I? Do I believe He healed me in 2007 and that is my testimony in spite of what tests I am taking now or don't I? Looking at my life over the past couple of years it is so evident that God is at work. My job at Ashley has led me on a path I could never have imagined and the only reason I am there is because I was obedient to what God called me to do at the time. I didn't understand it, but I did it.
Sitting here waiting for my results to come back from my biopsy I realize I may not have as much faith as I thought I did, but I do have at least a mustard seed amount of faith and if that is all I have right now, then it is enough! I am going to believe that this will all be okay and that I will take better care of myself because of this. I do believe that God healed me in 2007 and my healing continues today! I also believe I am blessed with a wonderful husband, amazing children, a few really good friends, and a great job and church. I don't think I am lacking in any of those areas. I will have. Testimony from this experience and I will believe that God is my healer!
The last five weeks have tested my faith, patience and who God is to me. I talk about faith, I blog about faith, I sing about faith but do I truly walk in faith. Do I believe God is who He says He is or don't I? Do I believe He healed me in 2007 and that is my testimony in spite of what tests I am taking now or don't I? Looking at my life over the past couple of years it is so evident that God is at work. My job at Ashley has led me on a path I could never have imagined and the only reason I am there is because I was obedient to what God called me to do at the time. I didn't understand it, but I did it.
Sitting here waiting for my results to come back from my biopsy I realize I may not have as much faith as I thought I did, but I do have at least a mustard seed amount of faith and if that is all I have right now, then it is enough! I am going to believe that this will all be okay and that I will take better care of myself because of this. I do believe that God healed me in 2007 and my healing continues today! I also believe I am blessed with a wonderful husband, amazing children, a few really good friends, and a great job and church. I don't think I am lacking in any of those areas. I will have. Testimony from this experience and I will believe that God is my healer!
Friday, July 12, 2013
Into the Darkness
This afternoon I went to the new Start Trek movie with my hubby. I have to admit that I was not looking forward to going. I was going because I knew he wanted to see it and with everything that has been going on in our lives lately I wanted him to have a few hours doing something he likes. But, who knew, I really liked the movie and it gave me some things to think about. The movie was full of action and suspense, but there was an underlying theme of friendship that really hit me hard. There were a couple of times during the movie that I cried. I left the movie thinking about my friendships and how they affect who I am.
This summer has not been what I expected. We had an event in our family that changed the course of our summer. Something I didn't see coming. Over ten years ago I lost my mother, this event shook me to my core. I am a woman of faith, but loosing my mom tested every bit of faith I had. My husband is my best friend and I couldn't have walked through that time without him. I also had some good friends that loved me, prayed for me and cried with me during that time. A few weeks ago we got the news that my husband's mother has cancer and has very little time left.
BOOM!!!!!!!!! Here we go again.
I have a great friend Donna who asked me if I wanted to get Muny season tickets with her this year. When I agreed to this I had no idea how much I would need that night, once a week this summer. A night to escape to another place and time. So many memories growing up involving the Muny. I grew up in Springfield, Il and we would pick a show and drive to the Muny once each summer while I was young. We would watch some of my favorite musicals and after eating Ted Drewes custard we would fall asleep in the back seat on the drive back home.I love my friend Donna, she has walked through the last ten years with me as we have both struggled with life and circumstances.
I also have a friend Kass, we met over sixteen years in the book business. I love this woman. She recently moved to Texas and I miss her like crazy. As fate would have it we have two daughters that miss each other too. I need to let Hannah FaceTime more with Eli because she misses her. Kass is the friend who saw me when I was a mess after my divorce and loved me anyway. She helped me gain back confidence in who I was as a woman and what I could do.
My third friend is Rhonda, I met her over five years ago when I taught her daughter. Rhonda is a survivor. She has survived two kinds of cancer and other life events as well. I love my lunches with Rhonda! Whenever we get the chance (which hasn't been near enough lately) we get together and chat about our lives and our kids and eat good food and just enjoy each others company. She is a
good thing that came out of a bad time.
Then there is my friend Ann. We met over three years ago and share the fact that our two kids kind of like each other. We have had great dinners out and shared many glasses of wine together. We have road-tripped to soccer games together. We don't see each other as much as I would like because of our schedules but when we do, we always have a good time. I know I can call her and ask her to pray for me and she will. In fact, everyone of my friends I talked about here are women of faith and that
blesses me.
So as I walk into the darkness, I am thankful I have theses women by my side to help light the way.
And as my friend reminded me, I do know the Light in the darkness. My friends help me see His light everyday.
This summer has not been what I expected. We had an event in our family that changed the course of our summer. Something I didn't see coming. Over ten years ago I lost my mother, this event shook me to my core. I am a woman of faith, but loosing my mom tested every bit of faith I had. My husband is my best friend and I couldn't have walked through that time without him. I also had some good friends that loved me, prayed for me and cried with me during that time. A few weeks ago we got the news that my husband's mother has cancer and has very little time left.
BOOM!!!!!!!!! Here we go again.
I have a great friend Donna who asked me if I wanted to get Muny season tickets with her this year. When I agreed to this I had no idea how much I would need that night, once a week this summer. A night to escape to another place and time. So many memories growing up involving the Muny. I grew up in Springfield, Il and we would pick a show and drive to the Muny once each summer while I was young. We would watch some of my favorite musicals and after eating Ted Drewes custard we would fall asleep in the back seat on the drive back home.I love my friend Donna, she has walked through the last ten years with me as we have both struggled with life and circumstances.
I also have a friend Kass, we met over sixteen years in the book business. I love this woman. She recently moved to Texas and I miss her like crazy. As fate would have it we have two daughters that miss each other too. I need to let Hannah FaceTime more with Eli because she misses her. Kass is the friend who saw me when I was a mess after my divorce and loved me anyway. She helped me gain back confidence in who I was as a woman and what I could do.
My third friend is Rhonda, I met her over five years ago when I taught her daughter. Rhonda is a survivor. She has survived two kinds of cancer and other life events as well. I love my lunches with Rhonda! Whenever we get the chance (which hasn't been near enough lately) we get together and chat about our lives and our kids and eat good food and just enjoy each others company. She is a
good thing that came out of a bad time.
Then there is my friend Ann. We met over three years ago and share the fact that our two kids kind of like each other. We have had great dinners out and shared many glasses of wine together. We have road-tripped to soccer games together. We don't see each other as much as I would like because of our schedules but when we do, we always have a good time. I know I can call her and ask her to pray for me and she will. In fact, everyone of my friends I talked about here are women of faith and that
blesses me.
So as I walk into the darkness, I am thankful I have theses women by my side to help light the way.
And as my friend reminded me, I do know the Light in the darkness. My friends help me see His light everyday.
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
Things that make you go hmm
Okay, here comes another random blog. I apologize for not writing for awhile. Although I am not so sure anyone reads these. So I guess I am writing for myself as much as for anyone else. Ever since I have been at Ashley Furniture each month I have a goal. It always helps when I have a goal, especially because I am a huge procrastinator. This month my goal was to break $50,000.00 in sales and be number one in bedding and I met my goal. Woo hoo! It feels good to accomplish what you set out to do and see that you can do it. Why can't I do this in other areas of my life? What is stopping me? Oh well, I guess that makes me a work in progress.
This month I found out that I will have a granddaughter in April. I have known for a few months that I would be a grammy, but now I have a name and a picture of Blakeleigh. This has made me stop and think what kind of legacy do I want to leave my granddaughter. I only hope and pray I can be half the Grammy to her that my mom was to my kids. I really miss my son and his family to be. I am so happy he married the love of his life but incredibly sad some days that they have to live so far away. But, God had a plan already in place and now one of my best friends has moved to Texas and is only about three hours from my son. Is this a coincidence? I think not! It is a thing that makes you go hmmm.
Even though I don't understand His plan at all times I know He has a plan for me. One of my good friends is going through a trial in her life right now. Her husband had double bi-pass surgery yesterday. I feel like I wish I could do something for her. I took her dinner on Saturday night and have been praying for her husband and her family. I wish I could do more. But today it hit me. I am doing more, I am asking the God of the Universe to intervene and to heal her husband, to give her family and her peace and to take care of all of her needs. Why did I ever think that prayer wasn't doing something. Another thing that makes you go hmmm.
So my friend I challenge you to look for the things that make you go hmm. We serve a big God and he cares about our lives. I know he has a plan for me and for that I am thankful.
This month I found out that I will have a granddaughter in April. I have known for a few months that I would be a grammy, but now I have a name and a picture of Blakeleigh. This has made me stop and think what kind of legacy do I want to leave my granddaughter. I only hope and pray I can be half the Grammy to her that my mom was to my kids. I really miss my son and his family to be. I am so happy he married the love of his life but incredibly sad some days that they have to live so far away. But, God had a plan already in place and now one of my best friends has moved to Texas and is only about three hours from my son. Is this a coincidence? I think not! It is a thing that makes you go hmmm.
Even though I don't understand His plan at all times I know He has a plan for me. One of my good friends is going through a trial in her life right now. Her husband had double bi-pass surgery yesterday. I feel like I wish I could do something for her. I took her dinner on Saturday night and have been praying for her husband and her family. I wish I could do more. But today it hit me. I am doing more, I am asking the God of the Universe to intervene and to heal her husband, to give her family and her peace and to take care of all of her needs. Why did I ever think that prayer wasn't doing something. Another thing that makes you go hmmm.
So my friend I challenge you to look for the things that make you go hmm. We serve a big God and he cares about our lives. I know he has a plan for me and for that I am thankful.
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