Wedding Memories Day 2

This morning woke up and had breakfast with Meagan and Stephen at the hotel. Then it was off to Dinosaur World with Hannah. Patrick, Gretchen and Aaron stayed back and slept in because they hadn't slept well the night before. (I think they just didn't want to be out in the heat) lol

We arrived at Dinosaur World and Hannah was very excited when she saw the life size T-Rex at the entrance. After I bought out tickets we toured the museum which had several interesting fossil pieces on display. There were three replica dinosaur skeletons inside the museum that were huge. After we toured the museum Hannah dug for her own fossils at the fossil dig and she was allowed to keep 3 of her favorite. Next it was time to see all of the dinosaurs.

Walking through the park we encountered many life size dinosaurs. I took some pictures on my phone and Hannah had a blast. It. was. hot. I think it was so hot that our eyelids were sweating. lol One of the most life like scenes was a family of long necks surrounding a small lake. We stood on the dock and fed the poi fish and it looked like the family of dinosaurs was coming for a drink. About this time Hannah was saying I am hot please lets get to the end, only not so nice it was more like "I want to leave now, let's just go please lets leave I have seen enough I am hot." So we headed back to the main entrance and the gift shop. Those of you with kids know what the next few minutes were like. "Can I have it, please let me have it, I need this dinosaur egg and this stuffed dinosaur, please mom." We settled on a keepsake box where she could put her fossils from the dig and a couple of postcards, she also got a souvenir penny with dinosaur world on it.

Back at the hotel I took a little nap due to being in the heat and Patrick took Hannah to the pool. Gretchen and Aaron went off for a bit to explore, have lunch and buy tickets to "The Dark Knight Rises" compliments of me. :) There was a little theater in Granbury Texas and the tickets were only $7 each which is super cheap. They were planning on going to the midnight showing after the rehearsal dinner.

We all got ready for the rehearsal dinner and headed out. When we got to the venue it was still very hot. The restaurant put us in a courtyard outside and I was really worried that it wouldn't work. It looked great with the lights and the tables and the waterfall so I was hoping for the best. Sure enough as the sun went down we were able to stay and have a great dinner. Everyone seemed to have a good time and the food was awesome. I was very pleased. The most important thing was for Stephen and Meagan to have fun and I know they did. Brandon, the best man made a toast and so did Meagan's dad Clyde. I bought a book and passed it around for everyone to sign and put some advice in for Meagan and Stephen. All in all it was a very good evening.

We went back to the hotel and crashed for the night. I am so thankful that Aaron and Gretchen were able to be safe as they watched the movie. I couldn't believe what I saw on the news the next morning about the shooting in Colorado. Being in a little town in Texas was not such a bad place to be. I prayed for all of the families involved in the shooting and thanked God for the safety of my family.

My son is getting married! Wait he is still ten!

Written on July 17, 2012 

Today I am on the road  to Texas. Four years ago Stephen left for Texas and I told him "If I know you son, you are going to marry a girl from Texas." Well it looks like his mom was right. The reason I am on the road is to go to my son's wedding. So many things are going through my head right now. I hope I taught him what he needs to know. I hope he knows that I love him. Even though I didn't stay married to his birth dad, I hope he knows I believe in marriage. (I have been married to his step-dad for fifteen years this year).

When I think of who Stephen is as a man it reminds me of all the people who had a part in his life. I guess I am writing this note to thank them. Two women had a big part in Stephen's life when he was little and I count them as two of my best friends. Thank you Tammy and Kass for putting up with my goofy, crazy kid. Thanks for loving him and helping him through the rough time of my separation and divorce. Thanks for still being an encouragement in his life even now. I am so thankful that you will be at the wedding Tammy and I wish you could be there Kass. I know you will be in spirit.

Thinking back to Stephen's Concord church days there were several guys who mentored him and showed him you can be cool, have fun and love Christ. Tim Hall, Jeremy Proemsey, Scott Wheeler, Tim Weber all of you guys helped Stephen grow as a young man. Thanks to your leadership and direction Stephen chose a life of faith and skipped the partying and promiscuity. I appreciate all of the retreats and times that you held him accountable and taught him truth. 

The two years that Stephen was at South Side Christian school there were teachers that poured into him and helped him to develop academically as well as spiritually. Through various retreats and activities, programs and classroom learning Stephen started to grow into the young man God was calling him to be.Thank you to Patrick Tuller, Joni Leiniger,  Teresa Starks,  Karen Hunt, Arlie Singleton, Larry Amen and can't forget Mary Yousef for leading our motley crew. lol

Then after a really rough time of loosing his great grandma and his grandma Stephen, Gretchen and I made a choice to go to Illinois and become part of Collinsville Christian Academy. This was a place that grew Stephen as an athlete, scholar and a young man of God. There Stephen found great teachers and coaches, people who cared about his physical as well as spiritual well being. Thank you to Stephen Perkins, Rich Kotras ,Nathaniel Kotras, Donna Kotras, Cindy Collier, Trudy Hotson,Wendy Klein, Donald Douglas, and Debbie Legters. You were all a huge part of his junior high and high school life. So many memories of soccer games and concerts and everything in between. 

Gretchen, what can I say. This is your big brother's wedding you are going to be in on Friday. I am sure you have a lot you want to tell him as well. I know you love your brother fiercly and that you are pleased with his choice. I know you want whats best for him and that you will always be there for him even if he is driving you crazy. Thanks for being a great sister.

My little boy is getting married. I still can't believe it. I am so thankful for the woman he has chosen to make his wife. I remember when I first saw her picture on facebook that something in me knew that she would marry my son. There story is not one out of a storybook and it is filled with hard times as well as good times. I remember telling my seventh grade class that this was the girl my son  would marry as they looked at pictures with me. Thank you Meagan for loving my son, for helping him come out of a very dark place and for believing in him. Thank you for always pushing him to be a better man. I appreciate you faith and your love. Welcome to our family darling daughter.

Wedding memories Day 1

Today I woke up rested after eight hours of sleep. Gretchen said sleeping in a room with her dad and I was like listening to a snoring symphony. I guess we were tired after our long drive. She said between us snoring and Hannah kicking she didn't sleep very well.  Our day started off with waffles shaped like the state of Texas~ yee haw   Yes, the hotel we are staying at has a waffle maker that is shaped like Texas. After breakfast we hung out in the hotel room and rested some more from our travels.

Next was the rehearsal at the Whispering Creek Ranch. As we were driving through the country to get to the ranch I noticed lots of cattle ranches along the way and a beautiful blue sky with amazing clouds. When we got to the ranch and got out of the van there were grasshoppers everywhere. This did not thrill Gretchen at all and she moved quickly into the chapel. lol The rehearsal went well and I was able to meet Meagan's mom and step-dad. The chapel was very pretty with yellow flowers decorating the pews and a beautiful picture window overlooking the prairie.The bridal party seemed to get along well and that is always a good thing.

We were all getting pretty hungry and decided on lunch at Schlotzkys. :) I have to say this is one of my favorite places to eat and I wish we had one in St. Louis. A trip to Walmart for some art supplies, a huge beach ball and some snacks and then back to the hotel for Patrick and Hannah so they could nap. My afternoon was spent with Gretchen and Aaron finding Aaron a vest and nice dress shirt. We drove in to Fort Worth and met a wonderful sales lady at Macy's who helped us out and gave us a great deal. After shopping I bought Aaron and Gretchen Chick-Fil-A and we went back to the hotel. Stephen, Meagan, Brandon and his wife Chelsea, and Brett came over and ate pizza and hung out in the hotel pool with my girls and Aaron. While the kids went swimming at the hotel, it was date night at Hoffbrau's Steak house. I had a fried green tomato BLT and it was yummo! Our waitress even sent us back to the hotel with a big order of complimentary homemade banana pudding that was like my aunt used to make at family reunions.

I find myself missing my mom a lot right now. I know she would have been proud of Stephen and would have loved to watch her grandson wed the love of his life. Maybe somehow she is watching and smiling down on all of us. Time for bed to prepare for another busy day tomorrow.

5 years and counting

It has been five years. I can't believe it. I guess it is time to tell my story. As most of my friends know I had a baby at forty. Hannah was our little miracle and I am filled with gratitude to God for giving us another daughter to love. The doctor had told Patrick and I after my miscarriage that we couldn't have any more children. So was I ever surprised to find out I was pregnant. The next three years went by quickly and before I knew it I was forty three years old and had a three year old daughter and a thirteen year old daughter and an seventeen year old son and I had never had a mammogram. Since I was nursing my doctor said to wait a few years before having one. My mom died from breast cancer in 2002 but I never thought I needed to worry about myself. I was wrong.

So here is my story. It was May of 2007 and I was shopping at Schnucks and saw that the Barnes Mammography Van would be in the parking lot of that store in a couple of weeks. I know now that I was supposed to go to that store and see that flyer. I came home and something told me to go ahead and call and schedule an appointment that day. Well, the day came and I had my first mammogram. I thought well that is over now I can get back to not thinking about that again for five more years. Again, I was wrong. I got a call from Barnes Jewish telling me there was an abnormality on my mammogram and could I come there to have another one. It was time to tell Patrick. I had never even told him I was having a mammogram in the first place. We drove to Barnes in silence, both thinking this couldn't be happening. I had my second mammogram and we waited. The call came...I needed a biopsy they had found a tumor. Okay, I told myself breath, just breath. The few days before the biopsy felt like years and we waited and prayed. Patrick did a lot of stomping around and was angry while I was quiet and reserved. We had decided not to tell the kids too much about what was going on since it had just been five years since we had lost my mom.

The day of the biopsy came and the sun was shining and I the birds were singing and it was a beautiful June day. I just knew that the test would come back with the tumor being benign and that I would wake up from the bad dream. I was scared to have the biopsy. I don't like needles, not one bit. I had an intern do it and wouldn't you know it, he messed up and it had to be done again. It wasn't intense pain but it wasn't something I wanted done twice. They left a little wire in to guide the surgeon to the spot if I would need anything further done. I thought to myself that was stupid because they aren't going to find anything. And yes, you guessed it. I was wrong for the third time.

The call came and I was told that I had Breast Cancer in situ and it was stage 0 which was a miracle in itself. The oncologist said this kind of cancer is only detected by mammogram and not a self-evaluation. I would have never found it on my own. I knew God had this under control and breathed a little. She said I would need to have a lumpectomy and they would remove the tumor and tissue around the tumor to test and see if all of the cancer was gone. We scheduled the surgery and once again God's hand was evident because one of the top oncology surgeons at Siteman had an opening and we took it.

I was supposed to go on a mission trip with my son's youth group to Michigan and Patrick wanted me to cancel, but I told him I thought it would be good for me to go. I wouldn't be thinking about what was going to happen but would be focused on something outside of my world. So I went. It was a great week with a great group of kids and adults and I found myself not even thinking about the cancer. The last night we were there a group of my son's friends prayed over me on the beach. It was such a special moment and I felt a warmth go through my entire body, I also felt something fall in the sand next to my feet and I didn't know what it could have been. When we got back to where we were staying I saw what had fallen. I wore a bracelet to remember my mom and it had a pink breast cancer ribbon charm on it. While the kids were praying for me, it fell into the sand. I couldn't believe it. I knew that I had been healed, right there on that beach in Michigan and I no longer felt the cancer in my body.

It is hard to explain but after I heard the words "cancer" it was like I had a parasite living inside of me and all I wanted was to be rid of it. I prayed for healing and also for faith to walk through this time. I yelled at God, cried and yelled some more. Some days I just walked through a fog. When I came home from the trip my husband said you look like you had a good time and he even said I looked happy. I told him about the beach and the bracelet. I am not sure he believed me, but I knew he wanted to believe.  Monday morning early I went in for my surgery.

Patrick drove me to the hospital and I was put under and when I woke up the tumor was gone. And now we wait, and wait and wait some more. My good friend Donna brought me lunch and we watched a movie together the afternoon after my surgery. We waited some more and then the call came to go into the oncologists office. I thought WAIT what is going on, I should not be going into her office she should have told me over the phone NO CANCER. This was not happening. Patrick drove me to Siteman and we went into the doctors office and sat down. She looked at me and looked at him and told us both NO CANCER. She said the biopsy indicated the tumor was malignant but when they sent it off to be tested it came back benign. She said when she removed it that it looked like cancer and when it came back that it wasn't she sent it back to be tested a second time. She said she was not sure what happened but they found no cancer in any of my tissue surrounding the tumor and that as far as she could see I was cancer free. I told her the story of the beach and she said she wasn't a believer but something must have happened on that beach. She even used the word MIRACLE which she said she never uses. I was told I didn't have to do chemo or radiation and just needed to have my check ups. I walked out of the office a different person than I had walked in an hour earlier.

That is my story, a story of God's providence and survival. Thanks for taking the time to read it. Have a blessed life.

Grants Farm and God's Grace

Today, in the intense heat, my brother and his family decided it would be a good day to go to Grant's Farm. The tram ride was not that bad,there was a breeze and some pretty interesting animals, like Asian ducks, two week old calves that were twins, and an Ostrich named Olivia (which is my nieces name). ha ha But when we got off the tram it was soooo hot. The younger girls road the carousel and fed the baby goats and got a snow cone. All of these were a big hit. But the best part of the visit was the animal show. First, it was in the shade, second there were big fans and they were working well and third the show itself was very entertaining. i don't remember seeing a parrot do a puzzle or roller skate before. After the show we went to feed the camels and Olivia said " wow it's tongue is dry and feels really weird" and we all laughed. We had our free beer and headed out to have lunch.

We tried to go to Crown's Candy Kitchen but as luck would have it, a tour bus pulled up right before we got there and no way were we going to sit out in that heat and wait for a table so we headed to Fitz's in the Loop. Well we had quite a ride through some pretty blighted city neighborhoods and looking at the homes I thanked God for providing for my family. We made it to Fitz's and the kids enjoyed some root beer and cream soda and a really yummy order of fried pickles. My daughter Hannah age 7 exclaims hey there is a pickle under here after she pulled off some of the breading which made us all laugh.

Getting home after a full day we took a break and then I took the girls to meet my brother at the hotel for some swimming, which they did and had a lot of fun. I left Hannah there and headed to prayer meeting.

Once a month at my church we get together for prayer. Tonight it was at my friend Lori's house and we had a great meeting. Praying with a small group of people is such great therapy for me. And tonight was no exception. I love entering in and just worshiping who God is! One of the ladies brought veggie sushi which was yummy and was a great way to end the evening. It was a very good day today. Long, but very good. I am thankful for family.

Inspiration from the Rolling Stones

"No, you can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
And if you try sometime you find
You get what you need"
Rolling Stones

As a Christian what does this mean to me, what is the difference between wants and needs. The Bible says that my God shall supply all of my needs, not my wants. So this made me start thinking about my needs. What is it that I really need? My most basic need is God! He is all I need, I couldn't stand, breathe, live or move without my God. There have been so many times in my life that without God I wouldn't have survived.

So I am going to choose God as my number one need. My next need would be sustenance( food and water) in order to live, I need both of these. Some days I wish this wasn't a need and I pray and ask God to feed me that day. I guess that is how I view fasting, getting rid of that need for a time so I can concentrate on my first need .I guess another basic need is shelter and this goes back to even the Son of God who needed shelter that night in Bethlehem when He was born. It wasn't much but it was what was needed.

Every time I have a need, it is met. There have been so many times in my life when my God was faithful.
Starting with the family he gave me, my needs have always been met. I was so blessed to have a Godly mother who brought me up in the fear and admonition of the Lord. I accepted Jesus as my Savior at the age of nine and knew that I would have the Holy Spirit to help me for the rest of my life. Growing up I could see God in so many ways, we never went hungry, I always had a home and clothes to wear. I had a great church and some pretty neat friends.

When I got into high school I started wondering if God was enough, was this just something I had done because of my parents or was this something I did because of me. I started questioning my faith and then I totaled my dad's Volvo two weeks after getting my license and I walked away from the accident. I hit a fire hydrant and then a tree and rolled the car on it's side. When the guy across the street saw the car(by the way he happened to be a cute football player from my high school) he came rushing over to help. I was fine a little banged up and a lot humbled. I would love to say that I found all the answers to my questions and right then and there I made a commitment that God was enough, but I can't say that.

The next year was my senior year in high school and did I mention I hated high school with a burning passion, no, well I did. I only went one semester and then I did an internship with kids from all over Illinois. I worked at the State Capital and hung out with some kids I really thought were cool. One of those kids told me one night that no one here knew me and I could be whoever I wanted to be, that I didn't have to be the good church girl anymore, I could do whatever I liked. I wish I had looked at him and said no, but just like that I thought he was right and what did I have to loose. So I stopped living for God and started living for myself. Big time wrong choice.

Over the next fifteen years I made so many mistakes because it was always about what I wanted and not what I needed. I wanted to have a boyfriend, I wanted to drink and party, I wanted to go to the school I wanted to go to, I wanted to get married because everyone else was, I wanted what I wanted when I wanted it.

I married a guy that I had dated for five years and everything pointed to this being a  a good choice. One problem, we were both selfish and didn't have God at the center of our relationship. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't all bad and we had two great kids, Stephen and Gretchen. We found a church and did all the right things and from the outside we looked happy, but we continued on our selfish path and the only thing that was going to happen was that we would crash and burn and that we did. Again thinking wants were more important.

After I was divorced I was left with a two year old and a seven year old and a mortgage and a lot of questions. I lost it for about a year after I was divorced I was thirty-three and I was going to do what I wanted. Praise God that even when we aren't looking for Him, He is still calling us. I needed a church and I found one that was just where I was supposed to be that had a pastor that was bold enough to tell me what are you doing, this isn't how you want to live, stop it, and I did!

After that I never looked back I just looked to the future. I met a great guy and we became best-friends. We have been married for thirteen years and there have been some rough times but God has always supplied our needs. When I lost my grandma, my mom, and my job in the same year; God was there and helped me through all of it. Was I angry, sure, did I have questions, sure, but you know what when you take your questions before God He will answer them. Again not what I wanted but what I needed to grow in my faith.

After that loss God gave me something I didn't think I needed but I was wrong, He gave me Hannah. He took my mom home to Glory and then gave me another daughter to love and share His love with. I thought, are you crazy God, I am "old" I am forty, I don't need a baby. But He showed me I did.

Four years ago I had to have a lumpectomy and again God was faithful and provided what I needed, it wasn't what I wanted, to go into my doctor and hear the word "Cancer" but it was what I had to go through. I have a testimony of restoration and healing that I can share because of that time.

I am now at a place in my life where I again am having to trust God to supply what I need. No more questions, no more guessing this time I know! He will provide for me. It is so great to have that assurance that no matter what, He will be there. Always!  I hope by reading this bog it blesses someone and they can see the God who has put up with me at my worst and still loved me. I know that God still has plans for my life, but I am liking where I am at right now.So when the storms come and they will, I will be ready with a God who will supply all I NEED!

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A poster from mom and a slap back to reality

 After really missing my mom and having a good cry with my daughter I looked over into the corner of my bedroom and saw a poster I just recently put up that my mom had given me. I felt like she slapped me in the face and said stop with the pitty party and get living girl. I added my comments in ( ) Here is what the poster says it is by Gail Kittleson:

The Older I Get

The more I notice outrageous beauty ( or just plain beauty)

Of stars and moon against the sky…(especially in the fall)

The softer a baby’s skin feels…(this was so true of Hannah)

The less panicky I am during sleepless nights…(I am not sure this one is true. ha ha)

The less easy answers I have…(sometimes I have no answers)

The hungrier I am for connectedness…(I have always likes to be connected to friends)

The less I know, the more I wonder…(wondering is good, it uses the brain)

The longer I linger in snowfalls…(nothing better than snowflakes on your tongue)

The kinder I am with weakness…( I am going to work on this one)

The more honest I am with myself…(sometimes brutally honest)

The more I understand children’s logic…( love <3 this)

The less rigid I am…( hope this is true)

           The mightier the ocean seems each time I visit…(going to visit one soon)

        The less I wonder how old I’ll be someday…(yep, since I am old. ha ha)

The more hugs I give…(it is easy to hug a 7 yr old, not so easy a 17 yr old)

The gentler I am with myself…(a work in progress)

The less I think of what I think…(go ahead and laugh)

The faster I clean my house…(getting better at this one)

The wiser I long to be…(we all can't be a Solomon)

The more I realize how impatient I’ve always been with life…(always have been)

The more opportunities I see in each day…( this one I need to work on)

The more I think about the miraculous gift Beethoven gave to the world…(ah music!)

The more I play(card games and swings)

The less I think of what others think…(I wish this was true)

                                          The closer I feel to old, old friends...(I know this is true, ah childhood memories of summer nights and fireflies)

The more natural prayer seems…( amen)

The more I enjoy a simple cup of tea...(or a nice glass of wine and a good book)

The hotter I draw my bath water and the longer I lie in it…(showers are great as well)

The longer I listen…(with my whole heart)

The wider berth I give to sorrow in the grand scheme of things…(it seems like it is all around)

The younger in spirit I feel…(especially when I am teaching)

The quieter my inner self becomes…(don't know if I am ever quiet)

The greater my appreciation of harmony…(agreement of any kind is good)

The more time I spend looking at stained glass windows…( <3)

The more comfortable I am with solitude…(actually need it sometimes)

The more I see good coming out of difficulties…(ALL things work together for good.. Phil 4:13)

The more grateful I am to be alive(walking in grace that's for sure)

The more beautiful I am becoming.(I hope this is true but some days I don't feel it)