Let's Be Real

On July 1st I had a mammogram. I am going to be honest and tell everyone that I hadn't had a follow up mammogram since my breast cancer in 2007. It was so much easier to just ignore it and say I was cancer free, after all God had healed me in 2007 so there was no way it was going to come back! I walked in two walks and even went to a survivor dinner last year at Rams Park. I wore my pink bracelet and that was that. I was just going to continue to ignore it and then the mammogram van came to me. No more ignoring it!

The last five weeks have tested my faith, patience and who God is to me. I talk about faith, I blog about faith, I sing about faith but do I truly walk in faith. Do I believe God is who He says He is or don't I? Do I believe He healed me in 2007 and that is my testimony in spite of what tests I am taking now or don't I? Looking at my life over the past couple of years it is so evident that God is at work. My job at Ashley has led me on a path I could never have imagined and the only reason I am there is because I was obedient to what God called me to do at the time. I didn't understand it, but I did it.

Sitting here waiting for my results to come back from my biopsy I realize I may not have as much faith as I thought I did, but I do have at least a mustard seed amount of faith and if that is all I have right now, then it is enough! I am going to believe that this will all be okay and that I will take better care of myself because of this. I do believe that God healed me in 2007 and my healing continues today! I also believe I am blessed with a wonderful husband, amazing children, a few really good friends, and a great job and church. I don't think I am lacking in any of those areas. I will have. Testimony from this experience and I will believe that God is my healer!

Into the Darkness

This afternoon I went to the new Start Trek movie with my hubby. I have to admit that I was not looking forward to going. I was going because I knew he wanted to see it and with everything that has been going on in our lives lately I wanted him to have a few hours doing something he likes. But, who knew, I really liked the movie and it gave me some things to think about. The movie was full of action and suspense, but there was an underlying theme of friendship that really hit me hard. There were a couple of times during the movie that I cried. I left the movie thinking about my friendships and how they affect who I am.

This summer has not been what I expected. We had an event in our family that changed the course of our summer. Something I didn't see coming. Over ten years ago I lost my mother, this event shook me to my core. I am a woman of faith, but loosing my mom tested every bit of faith I had. My husband is my best friend and I couldn't have walked through that time without him. I also had some good friends that loved me, prayed for me and cried with me during that time. A few weeks ago we got the news that my husband's mother has cancer and has very little time left.

BOOM!!!!!!!!!  Here we go again.

I have a great friend Donna who asked me if I wanted to get Muny season tickets with her this year. When I agreed to this I had no idea how much I would need that night, once a week this summer. A night to escape to another place and time. So many memories growing up involving the Muny. I grew up in Springfield, Il and we would pick a show and drive to the Muny once each summer while I was young. We would watch some of my favorite musicals and after eating Ted Drewes custard we would fall asleep in the back seat on the drive back home.I love my friend Donna, she has walked through the last ten years with me as we have both struggled with life and circumstances.

I also have a friend Kass, we met over sixteen years in the book business. I love this woman. She recently moved to Texas and I miss her like crazy. As fate would have it we have two daughters that miss each other too. I need to let Hannah FaceTime more with Eli because she misses her. Kass is the friend who saw me when I was a mess after my divorce and loved me anyway. She helped me gain back confidence in who I was as a woman and what I could do.

My third friend is Rhonda, I met her over five years ago when I taught her daughter. Rhonda is a survivor. She has survived two kinds of cancer and other life events as well. I love my lunches with Rhonda! Whenever we get the chance (which hasn't been near enough lately) we get together and chat about our lives and our kids and eat good food and just enjoy each others company. She is a
good thing that came out of a bad time.

Then there is my friend Ann. We met over three years ago and share the fact that our two kids kind of like each other. We have had great dinners out and shared many glasses of wine together. We have road-tripped to soccer games together. We don't see each other as much as I would like because of our schedules but when we do, we always have a good time. I know I can call her and ask her to pray for me and she will. In fact, everyone of my friends I talked about here are women of faith and that 
blesses me.

So as I walk into the darkness, I am thankful I have theses women by my side to help light the way.
And as my friend reminded me, I do know the Light in the darkness. My friends help me see His light everyday.

Things that make you go hmm

Okay, here comes another random blog. I apologize for not writing for awhile. Although I am not so sure anyone reads these. So I guess I am writing for myself as much as for anyone else. Ever since I have been at Ashley Furniture each month I have a goal. It always helps when I have a goal, especially because I am a huge procrastinator. This month my goal was to break $50,000.00 in sales and be number one in bedding and I met my goal. Woo hoo! It feels good to accomplish what you set out to do and see that you can do it. Why can't I do this in other areas of my life? What is stopping me? Oh well, I guess that makes me a work in progress.

This month I found out that I will have a granddaughter in April. I have known for a few months that I would be a grammy, but now I have a name and a picture of Blakeleigh. This has made me stop and think what kind of legacy do I want to leave my granddaughter. I only hope and pray I can be half the Grammy to her that my mom was to my kids. I really miss my son and his family to be. I am so happy he married the love of his life but incredibly sad some days that they have to live so far away. But, God had a plan already in place and now one of my best friends has moved to Texas and is only about three hours from my son. Is this a coincidence? I think not! It is a thing that makes you go hmmm.

Even though I don't understand His plan at all times I know He has a plan for me. One of my good friends is going through a trial in her life right now. Her husband had double bi-pass surgery yesterday. I feel like I wish I could do something for her. I took her dinner on Saturday night and have been praying for her husband and her family. I wish I could do more. But today it hit me. I am doing more, I am asking the God of the Universe to intervene and to heal her husband, to give her family and her peace and to take care of all of her needs. Why did I ever think that prayer wasn't doing something. Another thing that makes you go hmmm.

So my friend I challenge you to look for the things that make you go hmm. We serve a big God and he cares about our lives. I know he has a plan for me and for that I am thankful.

Nostalgia and Knicknacks

 Today is a hard day for me. The home that I grew up in, brought my son home from the hospital to and the last place I saw my mom alive at is now gone. My dad signed the papers today and that is that. Over, finito, the end. Over the last two weeks I have been packing, sorting, pitching and selling most of the things from that house.But the one thing that I have and will always have is the memories. Memories of Sunday dinners with family and friends, memories of haunted houses in the basement, New Years open houses, birthday celebrations and times with family grieving loved ones. Many, many memories that are just flooding my spirit today.

  Last night I played the piano! I have my piano in my home that my dad bought me for my 12th birthday in 1975. It is a beautiful maple Ballwin Acrosonic piano and I can now teach my daughters' to play. Sitting on the bench, playing last night I realized I missed that part of me for the last several years. I am so happy I decided to keep it. Good decision me! Even my daughter's puppy likes hearing the piano. I also kept my grandmothers china and the picture that hung over the piano. I made boxes for all three of my kids and spent time with one of my best friends who I had been missing in my life.

  It was the hardest week and also a good week. I realized I had not been honoring my husband and giving him the value and respect he deserved but watching him work and seeing what he was capable of made me appreciate him so much more. I really married an amazing man who has seen me through some rough times. I also realized I was pretty mad at God.  I couldn't believe that here I was six years after doing the same thing with my mom's house doing it all over again with my dad's house. I thought the timing was horrible and I just didn't understand. But as He always does, He taught me that His timing is perfect and He restored my respect and love for my husband.

 I have so many stories I wish I could share but I am going to end this here with a thought. Sometimes we put to much value on things and forget the value of the people we love. I learned this lesson again this week as I had to decide what knicknacks to keep and what to sell. I realized I was grateful that I didn't have to do that with my family and friends. That I needed to value each and every one for who they are. The only thing that gives us any reason to be nostalgic isn't the knicknackss but the memories we make.The one thing I know I will keep is the memories I have from that house and all of my friends and family who have gone through those doors. And every time I think of 1322 West Glenn  those memories will be with me always.

A stormy night~A thankful heart

I can't sleep. I have so many things to be thankful for but I can't sleep. I have been lying in bed listening to the storm and thanking God for the rain. This got me thinking about being grateful, truly grateful, and thanking God through all of my storms so here I am getting ready to do just that. So I guess I start with thanking Him for my divorce which was my first major storm. I have learned so much since then and still have so much to learn. Next major storm was my g'ma and then my mom dying less than a month a part. Thank you God for that storm and the people you placed in my life to help me through it. After that I lost my job and I am able to thank God for that and see that He was always in control. Next came my cancer diagnosis and I have to thank Him for that wake up call and how it changed the way I look at life. My next storm was another job loss, but this one cut deep. I not only lost my job, my daughter's lost their school. I was so angry at God. I wanted to know why it happened when I was so faithfully praying for it not to happen. Well guess what? It isn't about what I wanted to happen, it is about what God knew was best for me. I took another position at another Christian school with much hesitation and it seemed like I was right because yep, you guessed it, that school closed too and again my oldest daughter was without a school and her faith had taken a beating. I wasn't sure either one of us would ever be okay again.But a new school rose from the ashes and I was offered a teaching position there and it was going to be great and my daughter would have her senior year. Well August of last year I was told there were not enough kids to hire me and that Gretchen could attend but I would not be working there. I was finished after that storm, no more teaching and no more God as far I was concerned. I was going to sit down and throw myself the biggest pity party ever and never work again. That lasted about four months.

Just when YOU think you have it all figured out, God mixes things up. I had reconnected with an old junior high friend on facebook and through some circumstances that had to have been God ordered I started working again in January. I wasn't working as a teacher, I was selling furniture. I couldn't believe it, first that I actually got the job and second that I liked it. My mom was a teacher and my dad was a salesman so I guess you could say it was time to embrace the dad side of me. lol Once again I found myself thinking I should thank God for this and once again I didn't. Part of what kept me sane while I was going through the last two years was a prayer group I am in at my church. We only meet once a month, but I know the support, encouragement and dare I say it PRAYER I get from being part of that group has helped me on numerous occasions. I am getting ready to enter another storm and I think this is why I can't sleep. When I was on the way to my son's wedding my dad and my brother listed my dad's house for sale. I didn't know he was going to do it and I wasn't prepared for what would happen next. The house sold in two days and I have until the end of this month to clear it out. So many memories in that house, this is going to be a rough storm. But I am going to thank God now for the people who will help me get through this one. I have resolved that my life is going to be full of storms but I am so thankful that He teaches me through all of them.

I need to remember that God is sovereign and that everything will be okay.

Flower Fairies and Faith

Today my daughter and her boyfriend drove to Springfield Illinois. The purpose of their trip was to pack up some things Gretchen wanted from my childhood home. This is the house that I came home from the hospital to and this is the house that was sold this week. The house of my childhood and all of my childhood memories. This is the house that I brought my son home from the hospital to and the house where I last heard my moms laughter. So many memories in that house.

I remember playing the piano for mom that Monday after Easter over ten years ago. I remember her sitting in the comfy chair and Patrick playing the guitar for her. That was the last time I would hear my mom laugh. Every time I walk in the door to that house I remember the life that was lived there and now in a month I won't walk through that door again.

We have a month to get everything out that we want and to make it ready for the the new buyers. On month to pack up a lifetime of memories. One of the things Gretchen brought back today was a Flower Fairy plate. When I looked at the plate I couldn't believe it. The little fairy looked like Hannah before she had her hair cut this summer for locks of love. I have no idea when my mom bought this plate or why but I am so glad she did. I wonder if she knew my family wasn't finished, I would like to think she did know. She knew she was getting a granddaughter that she had prayed for when my brother told her they were expecting a baby in September and I know she wanted to live to see that baby but God had other plans.

So you are probably wondering where the faith part of this blog comes from. Well, it is all I am holding onto right now. I have faith that God is going to work everything out so that this is a smooth move and that I will find all the things I hold dear and bring them home to my house. I have faith that even though this wasn't what I wanted to be doing this month, God knew it was what I would be doing. I have faith that Gretchen finding that plate tucked away in a drawer was no accident.I have faith that I will see my mom again one day and that I honor her memory by keeping things that are precious to me because they were precious to her.

So dear friends please pray for me as I pack up my childhood home. This will be an emotional time for me but one filled with new discoveries and special finds like the plate pictured above. Pray I can finish the race in the time I have allotted to me. Pray for my children as this is an emotional time for them as well. Gretchen said it was hard packing up boxes today but she is thankful for the memories. Flower Fairies and Faith, she knew I know she did. :)

The Wedding Day July 20, 2012

We all slept in today. Hannah slept until 10:30 and she is normally our little alarm clock. So we missed breakfast at the hotel. Right down the street from the hotel was a Cinnabon and I knew that was what we needed to start off my son's wedding day. After a yummy cinnamon roll it was time to wait. We really didn't have anything planned for the day so we just hung out in the hotel room.

I decided to surprise Stephen and I booked him a suite for the night complete with a whirlpool tub and champagne. I was happy to be able to do this for him as an extra wedding gift. Gretchen and Aaron spent the day with a marathon of netflix watching while we waited and Hannah watched television and colored pictures. Patrick read and listened to music and I was an emotional wreck. We had a family meltdown about two hours before we were ready to leave but we managed to work through it. There were circumstances out of my control happening outside of Texas that were affecting my family and causing me some heart ache and so I prayed and asked for prayer.

We all got gussied up and we didn't look half bad if I say so myself. Gretchen looked beautiful and Hannah looked so sweet in her flower girl dress. It was hard for me not to cry and we weren't even there yet. We all decided we were hungry so we went to Taco Bueno and had a small snack before heading to the ceremony. When we got to the chapel on the ranch the wind started blowing and the clouds began to move in and it looked like a storm was coming.

One of my best friends since college drove from Chicago to be there and it was good seeing her. We both prayed the rain would hold off until the reception. I was able to pray with Stephen before the ceremony and that meant the world to me. Since the wedding was on a ranch one of the neat things was that Meagan and her folks rode in a horse drawn carriage and everyone was able to see them as they passed by the big picture window in the chapel. She looked so beautiful that she took my breath away and I prayed that when Stephen saw her that he wouldn't pass out. lol

The first part of the service was when the mothers lit the candles for the unity candle and I walked down the aisle with Meagan's mom. This was a special time for me and I am so glad they included it in their ceremony. After we lit the candles I took a seat with Patrick and we watched as the wedding party entered the chapel. As Meagan came in I watched Stephen's face and I have never seen him both so terrified and happy in his life. It was a beautiful ceremony and I only cried at the end when they kissed.

After the wedding we took pictures and then headed over to the reception. Meagan and her mom and a few others had made all of the food and it looked very professional. The decorations at the reception were beautiful and Meagan and Stephen arrived on a horse drawn carriage. It was all like out of a storybook. The best man made his toast and the matron of honor made her toast and then the cake was cut. Stephen and Meagan's dance was cute and Meagan danced with her dad. We decided to skip the mother son dance because I would have been a crying momma if we had done it.

The groomsmen all went outside to smoke a pipe in celebration of the nuptials. Meanwhile inside the reception Hannah had discovered the camera and was taking pictures of everything and everyone. It was pretty funny. She was like an eight year old paparazzi. lol It started getting late and we had a long drive on Saturday so I hugged my new daughter bye and kissed my son on the cheek and we left. It was a perfect wedding and I was so happy for him. Now back to the hotel to sleep.